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“Yeah.”
Within ten minutes, we’re inside the house, and Jess has brought me a beer while she sips on some wine. She’s on the sofa, and I’m sitting in the chair next to it. I notice the boxes stacked against the far wall but don’t say anything. What did I expect her to do after telling her I didn’t want kids, keep the house as a shrine to me?
Jess bites on the inside of her cheek while she waits for me to talk, her finger tracing the lip of the wine glass.
“I’m sorry.”
Her eyes meet mine. Regret is mirrored in hers. “Me too.”
I shake my head. “No, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. You were right at the hospital. I didn’t let you in.”
Jess sets her glass down on the coffee table, and I itch to move it. She must see it in my expression because she smiles and picks up the glass, setting it on a coaster. “Better?”
“That obvious, huh?”
“You were always an open book. About this kind of stuff, anyway.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“I met someone.” I see the pain flash in her eyes and instantly regret my choice of words. “His name is Israel. He’s eight years old and so much fucking smarter than me.”
I see the relief wash like waves over her face.
“Jess, you’d love this kid so much. He’s brave and strong, and he taught me so much. I went to South Africa and fell in love with him.”
I set my beer down and move to kneel in front of her. “I should have opened up to you more, Jess. You deserved to be part of my life. Not shut out.”
Her eyes go to her hands, and I see her catch her lip with her teeth. I raise her chin so her eyes can meet mine, my fingers trembling as I touch her. We aren’t together; I have no right and don’t know how she will react. A tear spills from her eye, and my heart breaks a little more.
“There is no excuse for shutting you out of my life. None whatsoever. I think I kinda just got used to keeping things on lockdown. When my folks died, I went inside. I focused on what needed to be done to get through each day rather than how I was feeling. It was easier that way. Dylan was young, and she grew up with me, so she didn’t give a fuck about my boundaries. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a safe place to walk through them. I made so many fucking mistakes, but one of them was telling you I didn’t want kids after I came back from my mission and not telling you why. Is it too late to tell you now?”
“Chris, you don’t owe me anything anymore.”
Her words cut me like a machete. “No, angel, you were right. I want you. Fucking need you in my life, and it will never work if I don’t let you in. Not only because I know how much you need it but because I need it too.”
Jess’s eyes well with tears. “Then I’d love to hear it.”
I swallow down the shame and look her in the eye. I see love and acceptance and not a stitch of judgment. I just hope I see the same when I’m done.
“Something happened on my mission, and it really fucked me up. A girl died, and it was my fault. My job was to protect her, to save her, but I failed. I’ve failed so many people in my life, and I couldn’t bear to fail our child. My father was the best father there could ever be. He was always there for Dylan and me. When he was alive, he was my rock. I never doubted a damn thing. I knew without fail he’d never let me down. And then he died, and my world turned upside down. I’d already lost Rubi, and I struggled with the guilt that brought.”
Jess leans over and takes my hand. I stay locked in my memories for a while, and Jess allows me that. She doesn’t push me to talk or demand answers. She simply allows me a moment to feel how I need to feel.
“It’s why I joined the Marines. I wanted to protect people. I had no doubt I would because my father was such an inspiration. But I failed. I failed Skyla, and it kills me that if Trent hadn’t come around, I would’ve failed Tatum too. After the mission, all I could think about was that I wasn’t close to being the man my father was. And that I didn’t deserve to be a father if I couldn’t be the kind of father he was.”
Jess reaches out, and when she pulls me into a hug, I realize I’m crying.
“Chris, I never met your dad, but I know you, and I know without a doubt that you would make an incredible father. I know that you were involved with the op in Turkey, and I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. That must’ve been terrible for you.”
She pauses for a few seconds and then answers my unspoken question. “Since last week, they’ve been talking nonstop about the Lorenzo case on the news now that it’s all wrapped up. The timeline fits. Just like the timeline for the kids rescued in Somalia fits when you left after we lost our baby. Chris, I can’t begin to understand what you went through, but I do know that the Chris I know would’ve done everything in his power to bring that girl back. I know it might take some time for you to realize this, but one day you will find peace in knowing you did your best. Sometimes, as awful as it is, things just don’t work out.”
My body trembles as Jess’s words hit me, and tears stream faster down my face. Silent sobs rack my body as everything pours out of me.
Jess kneels down in front of me and runs a hand over my cheek. “Shhhh, it’s okay, Chris, shhhh. I’m sorry, did I make it worse?”
Words fail me, and I shake my head.
“Can I tell you something I believe with all my heart?”
