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“Oh, Riles. I know. She gets crazy this time of the year but she will stop everything she’s doing to talk to you. You just can’t drop hints with her – she’ll miss them all when she’s busy. You need to tell her it’s important and that you need her now. And if she hears that, she’ll get in her car and drive straight to your house for you. You know that, Riley.”
“I know,” Riley nodded as my own stomach twisted in a painful knot. Because I knew that my mother would never do the same for me. She saw me at my worst and she walked in the other direction. She heard me ask for help and told me to handle it myself.
“You did this. You fix it,” she had said to me.
Staring at the table, I forced away the memories of how Riley treated me after the Owen debacle. She did try to help, but her efforts quickly dwindled without the support of our mother. And then she begged me to get over it so we could all move on.
She was just a kid, I reminded myself as I always did. When I was fifteen, Riley was seventeen. She was hardly more equipped to handle the situation than I was, so I had to forgive the way she reacted to it.
“I’ll call Mom,” Riley declared with a sudden confidence. I blinked up at her and nodded.
“Of course. But you can talk to me in the meantime,” I offered quietly. “I’m always here for you. We’re family.”
She put her hand on mine and smiled. “Thank you, Sash. I appreciate it,” she said softly. “But I’ll just call Mom later. She already knows about it because I’ve told her, so I won’t have to catch her up like I would with you. Besides, I should spare you, Sash. You don’t want to hear about my silly shit anyway,” she laughed, recovering quickly. “Anyway,” she said jovially, grabbing a bottle of Prosecco from the fridge. “Let’s get back to this shit. Cowboy’s a go. What other studmuffins do we got?”
* * *
My heart was beating out of my chest as my weak legs paced up Eighth Avenue in ankle boots. I cursed under my breath at the weekend crowd outside Liam’s gym – mostly younger girls taking selfies and recording video. Normally, I didn’t think twice about them, but with tears streaming down my cheeks, I wished they wouldn’t be around to catch me running crying into Liam’s gym. They were probably a sign for me to stop right there, to wait till Liam got home, but I couldn’t. My emotions were running higher than I knew possible. They were stronger and wilder than I had the strength to fight and I had to let them out.
“Excuse me.” My words were ragged as I angled through the crowd of giggling teenagers. They responded with the typical “ew” and “um” and “excuse you” but their voices were shut out the second I pushed into the gym, the heavy glass door shutting behind me.
“Sash? You okay?”
A.J was spotting behind the bench press when he saw me. The second my name left his lips I heard a thunderous clang – Liam’s massive barbell slamming back on the rack. Frozen stiff, I stood there, watching the lines of his abs tighten as he sat up on the bench. He was shirtless and sweating with worry already knitting his brows.
“Sasha.” He was on his feet and in front of me in seconds. I didn’t mind the eyes of his boys on us but I could hear clamoring behind me. I thanked God for A.J who’d already grabbed the remote that brought the blinds down on the giant window.
“I’m sorry I had to come here,” I finally breathed.
“Don’t be sorry, Sasha – what happened? Did someone hurt you?” Liam demanded in an urgent whisper.
“No,” I replied shakily. It didn’t help ease his tension. He took one glance around before taking my hand and leading me toward the back, into the empty women’s locker room. Seating me on a bench, he stood before me, concern in his eyes as he cupped my face in his hand.
“Tell me what’s going on, Sash.”
I drew in a serrated breath. “I just… I came here from Riley’s. She didn’t do anything wrong to me but she just… reminded me.”
“Of what, baby?”
I let it all go. “How you did everything for me when my own blood refused to even come near me.” My eyes felt like waterfalls as I stared up at Liam, hanging onto his wrists and leaning into his palm. “I always remember it as ‘Liam saved me’ but I never let myself remember exactly what you did for me because I don’t like bringing the pain back in detail. But you did so much for me, Liam – so much that neither Mom nor Riley were willing to do. I don’t even know if you remember what you did.”
“Of course I remember it.” Liam knelt before me. “I r
emember it but I didn’t think it was a big deal. Anyone who loved you should have done that for you.”
“But they didn’t. Only you did. So it was a big deal for me.”
Two years after the mess with Owen, Liam had been the one to listen when I expressed interest in therapy. He was the one who shuttled me in his car from doctor to doctor to doctor, till I found the right match. After spending the past few years spurned, stood up and alone, I’d forgotten what trust felt like. I didn’t remember what it was like to be told “I’ll be there” and actually have it be true. I was on the verge of believing I’d be without that memory ever again, and that it would be okay.
But then came Liam.
He was twenty-one at the time, but he never forgot a single one of my appointments. He wasn’t in college but he was already training at a top Jiu Jitsu academy in Long Island. He was renting his own apartment out there with A.J but he thought nothing of driving two hours to my house to bring me to my appointments. That would wind up being four to five hours including the way back – a total of ten hours a week.
It didn’t even stop there. He found a second job to cover the cost of my therapy, since insurance didn’t cover the doctor I talked with best. I knew it weighed on him. I knew he was sleep deprived, waking up at the crack of dawn to train his clients at the gym he worked at, to train himself at the academy after, then report straight to his second job, occasionally fitting another workout in at the end of his shift. I knew he was tired. That he sacrificed having the life he should’ve been enjoying just to be the support system I wouldn’t have otherwise. But every time I said I would stop so he could quit, Liam said it wasn’t an option. When I cried about being his burden, he told me I was his biggest blessing. He always pressed his lips to the top of my head to reassure me of his word and I quickly became addicted to his comfort – to that warm, full-body relief he could provide me with one word or one kiss. Just the sound of his Jeep tires rolling into our driveway released endorphins to my brain.
I had no chance. Of course I fell in love with him.
I was a seventeen and I’d lost my relationship with my only parent – the woman I’d spent my entire life looking to in times of need. Riley wasn’t quite there anymore either. She was resentful of becoming our translator and avoided me to enjoy her last few years of high school. I couldn’t blame her. But it left me with nothing and no one for so long.
