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“You’re already dressed,” I murmured, reaching out to run my palm along his lower back. “I’ve got to say, I’m disappointed. I bet you look fucking incredible naked in the morning light.”
“Hey. You’re up,” he said, turning to look at me from over his shoulder, giving me a quick glance before turning back to putting on his shoes.
“That’s all I get?” I purred, shimmying a little closer to him. “You smell amazing, by the way. Don’t they have the best shower gel here? I want to lick your skin.”
Roman stood up, running his hand along the back of his neck. “We’ve got to get going if we want to make it to Madeline’s office before the jet back home.”
Something was missing. Something I desperately wanted.
Where was the tenderness of last night? Roman had been an absolute dream, giving everything to me that I had wanted for so long. That both of us had wanted for so long, I thought.
“Kick those shoes off for just another ten minutes and come snuggle with me,” I asked.
“Theo,” he said, in a tone I very much didn’t want to hear.
“Fuck,” I whispered.
“Maybe we should cool off a little bit from… all of that stuff.”
My heart sank like a stone in water.
I had figured something like this would come eventually. Maybe the second-guessing had come racing in, making Roman wonder if he wanted more with another man. And maybe he didn’t. Every cell in my body wanted to reach out to him.
“Fuck no,” I said. I wanted it to come out sounding sexy and snarky and cool, but instead, the words came out weaker, more like I was begging him.
“It is for the better if we cool it,” Roman said, giving me a look that let me know he’d already made the decision, and it was a boundary that he needed to put up.
A boundary that I was going to respect, even if I didn’t agree with it.
Even if I thought that last night had been incredible, for both of us. Because I did respect him, deeply, and I wanted to keep him as my bodyguard for as long as I possibly could.
“Right,” I said, sitting up in the bed like I was a deflated, crumpled balloon. “Okay. We will cool it.”
I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, giving me a little nod. “I care about you so much, Theo,” he said, his brown eyes focused on me. “That hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will, now. But this has all happened so fast, and I need to prioritize your safety above everything else, and not be… distracted. By things I can’t really have. You know?”
I wanted to scream or throw something or break something, but in reality, I understood.
My life was so abnormal. No matter how good last night had been, I would never blame someone for not wanting to get romantically involved with someone as famous as me. Roman hated being in the spotlight, hated technology, hated when everything wasn’t secure. And my life was one big mess of all of those things.
“Yep,” I said, trying to act mature. “I understand, Roman.”
“Thank you, T,” he said. “I’ll go downstairs and have the valet bring up your car.”
He was gone in a flash, and I was left feeling hollower than ever.
It was strange how you didn’t know what you’d been missing until you got it. Last night, I had gotten everything I’d been needing. And now he wanted to walk away, even though I knew he’d loved it every bit as much as I had.
“Are you sure you don’t even want to stay for one more day?” Madeline asked.
“God, no,” I said. “I want to get back to Amberfield.”
I could picture it, even now. I was in Madeline’s office, surrounded by LA memorabilia: posters of Old Hollywood films, a signed Dodgers bat, and outside her windows, a view of the Hollywood sign itself.
It was everything that used to feel like home. And now, it just felt like a weird reminder of my old life. Setting aside the weird night where an SUV had been parked outside of my Amberfield house, the town had strangely already started to feel like home. The house was truly mine, instead of just being a fancy, glass modern house that had been some architect’s vision of perfection.
Not to mention the thought of Red’s Tavern. Being surrounded by people who treated me like a human, even if they knew who I was. Los Angeles had been all I wanted, once, but now Kansas felt like it was everything I needed.
“I just like how I feel when I’m there,” I told Madeline, pushing my Ray-Bans further up on my face.
“Your sunglasses aren’t hiding the circles under your eyes, you know,” she said softly. She reached out, touching the top of my hand. “I know last night had to be very hard for you.”
