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Right now I needed to take my pound of flesh before I’d ever be willing to give it back to him. Before I’d let him dip a toe back into my life.
He might not even want that, but I needed to fortify my heart behind steel walls just in case he did. This time I needed to protect myself since too much damage had already been done.
I might not survive any more.
“I’m waiting, Harris,” I growled, not giving him an inch.
He licked his lips again as he stared at the bulge in my jeans, then unsnapped and unzipped them.
My blood was rushing with the anticipation of having his mouth wrapped around my cock.
Back then, I gave him head more than he gave it to me. It took him a bit but he eventually began to excel at it. He also enjoyed it, both giving and receiving. But he had been intuitive and quick to figure out what worked and what didn’t. What I preferred and what quickly made me come. And I learned the same about him.
I also taught him what would drive me insane. How to manipulate the prostate to make my orgasms more intense. The best lesson was the night I did it to him for the first time. He learned just how mind-blowing it was.
While it might have been the first time, it was definitely not the last.
I wouldn’t demand him to do it tonight but would see if he would on his own. My guess was that if he’d been with other men in the last twelve years, it was something he hadn’t forgotten and might have even had plenty of practice doing.
The rage once again surged from deep inside me just thinking about Tate with other men after he walked away from us.
I had him for almost two years. I dreamed about him for twelve more.
Prostate massage or not, if I was being honest with myself, tonight it wouldn’t take much more than him taking me into his mouth for me to fill it with my cum.
I wanted this to be quick and dirty, anyway. No lingering. No connection. Because the more time I spent with him, the better the chance those walls I put up would begin to crumble and if they did, it might open the door for me to forgive him.
Something he clearly wanted.
And, again, something I wasn’t ready to give him.
Maybe one day, but not today.
I bit back my groan when he took me in his hand, stroking me lightly, spreading the silky drop of precum around the tip with his thumb.
I didn’t watch him, instead I stared at a nonexistent spot in the distance. Anything to keep from establishing a connection with him once again.
But when his warm, wet mouth encased the crown, my gaze dropped to him against my will.
One more mistake in a long list of them.
His eyes weren’t closed, he wasn’t concentrating on what he was doing, he was watching me.
That made me press my lips together and lock my knees. I wouldn’t give him any satisfaction. Not even with my reactions from him sucking me deep into his mouth. Or swirling his tongue around the head. Or running the flat of his tongue down the ridge. Or sucking on my scrotum. Pressing on my taint or tugging gently on my balls.
From watching my slick cock sliding in and out of his mouth. The pull from the suction. The circle of his fingers squeezing the base.
He was still good at it. Better than I remembered.
That last discovery was all I needed to recapture my anger and wrap it around me like a protective cloak.
I kept myself from unraveling by standing over him while he was on his knees at my feet.
It was wrong, the satisfaction of watching him with minimal participation on my part. But like when I came all over his face the other night, having him on his knees was a power play I didn’t know I needed. It kept me strong, it kept those walls locked in place.
It kept me safe.
It kept me from crumbling and becoming soft. From forgiving him too easily.
Or even giving me hope that there might be a future between us.
At this point there wasn’t.
And I wasn’t sure if it would ever get to that point.
I reminded myself tonight wasn’t about forgiveness. It wasn’t about the future.
He was only a Grindr hookup.
That. Was. All.
I was here to get what I wanted from him and leave the rest behind.
My eyelids became heavy as he took me so deep, he gagged slightly. And he did it again.
And again.
Even though he was doing everything right, at the back of my head I kept thinking this was so wrong.
In this moment, I needed to forget about the past. Forget there ever was an us.
And just remember why I messaged him.
