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Chapter 42
Phin
When my mother came into the living room, I was shocked at how much she had aged in the last three years. Lizzie hadn't exaggerated; she was a shell of herself. The video at the benefit hadn't done her justice. Both of us exhaled at the same time as we saw each other for the first time. My mom stumbled back a little and put her hand to her mouth so she could stop herself from crying.
Lizzie walked behind her to steady her; she guided her over to one of the comfortable chairs in our living room. I handed her the box of tissues, and she smiled at me before she broke down into tears. Dearest Lizzie, she'd thought of everything by having the box next to the chair.
Lizzie came and joined me on the sofa and held my hand.
"Mother, it's me." My mother tried to stop crying and compose herself. She adjusted her perfect pearl necklace, and she smoothed her skirt.
"Yes, Phineas, I know it's you."
Lizzie whispered out of the side of her mouth, "Thank you, Captain Obvious." Lizzie tried to make me laugh to break the tension.
My mother finally spoke, breaking the uncomfortable sounds of her sobs.
"Phin, why are you here? Where have you been? I don't know what to say." Tears streamed down her face as she tried to compose herself.
I leaned forward and touched my mother's arm, realizing that she hadn't even hugged me yet. If I thought about it, I couldn't remember the last time she hugged me which made me even sadder.
We sat quietly while my mother tried to compose herself. Lizzie got up and brought my mom some iced tea and beers for both of us. She knew it was early in the day, but it couldn't hurt to calm my nerves.
My mother tried to drink her tea, but her hands trembled as she held the cup. The silence was unbearable, but I didn't know what to say no matter how much we'd practiced how this would go down. The beer bottle trembled in my hand as I tried to keep my own emotions in check.
Lizzie nudged my knee to encourage me to begin. I took a long drink of my beer.
"Mother, I've been living on the streets since I left that night. Well, actually on and off the streets until I met Duke and Lizzie." She quietly listened as I told her my story of what had happened to me and about my life on the streets. Recounting the tale made it feel like it didn't happen to me and made it easier to tell my story. I tried to reassure her that I was well, and I didn't want to lay on the guilt. I think she was afraid to ask too many questions about why I left because she was afraid of the answers. Our family was all about suffering in silence. She cried and asked a few more questions as I recounted the highlights of my time away from home for the last few years. I think she was in such shock she didn't know how to take it all in. When I finally finished telling her the better part of my story, the part with Lizzie, I stopped to take a sip of my beer.
We sat in silence for a while, and I decided I was tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. "Mother, what's exactly going on with Father's health?"
"Phin, your father has cancer. His doctors say he needs a bone marrow transplant. We've tried every form of treatment, and tried to match him in the national database, but there are no matches. He needs it soon, or he will die. We will be lucky if he survives another year." She took another drink. "Would you get tested to see if you are a match?"
My legs bounced up and down. Lizzie and I both took sips of our drinks while we waited for her to continue. I was speechless; I couldn't fathom what she was asking me.
She cleared her throat. "This is why I came to see Elizabeth; I wanted her help to expedite the search for you. We needed to find you sooner rather than later. Of course, your father didn't want to ask for help."
I finally spoke up; my body was vibrating with anger. I was grinding my jaw, and my hand squeezed Lizzie's so hard I thought I might break it.
I tried to let go of Lizzie's hand, but she wouldn't let go. "He shouldn't expect me to help! He hurt me for years, and you let him, Mother! How do you expect me to help this man? I have to save his life! You've got some fucking nerve!"
My mother looked down at her hands in guilt and shame. "Yes, Phineas, I know we have no right to ask this of you. There's no defense against my actions in not protecting you from your father."
Her hardened exterior had slipped away, and she looked at me as tears continued to run down her cheeks.
"I love you, Phin, but I couldn't protect us both. I am sorry, I had to protect myself. I still love your father after everything, and I can't lose him. I don't expect you to understand." She pulled out another tissue and wiped away the tears.
"Yes, Mother, that’s the problem; you always loved him more.” We all choked on the sadness that blanketed the room. I couldn’t look at Lizzie or I would lose it, so I focused on my mother’s face.
“I am begging you, Phin. Please, if this was Elizabeth what would you do?”
Her statement made me even angrier. I pulled my hand away and shot up to walk toward Mother and get in her face. “Don’t ever compare your relationship with Father to mine and Lizzie’s. She loves me unconditionally, and she would never let anyone hurt our kids or me.”
“Phin, you never know what you will do for your loved ones until you are in that position.”
“You’re right, Mother, I won’t! No one ever loved me enough until Lizzie.” My body was vibrating, and I was almost blind with rage.
“Again, I am sorry about everything that happened to you. You are wrong; I did love you Phin, I just didn’t do a good job of showing you. I wish I could make you understand, but all I can do is ask for your forgiveness.” My mother was almost whispering as she finished that sentence.
“You don’t deserve my forgiveness!”
I walked away from her before I would say something I would regret. I stood behind Lizzie, using the sofa as a barrier from all the emotions in the room. I couldn’t stop shaking, so I put my hand on Lizzie’s shoulder, needing an anchor to the world.
