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WEST, AKA SURROUNDED BY BLONDES
Blond hair growingout as awkwardly as possible, Tripp watches me. Some people call him “Tripp-Randy” because my cousin, Rie, decided he and his brother reminded her of two characters from the TV show “My Name is Earl.”
The guy’s a big dork and completely harmless to the three chicks living above him in his grandma’s duplex.
“You let me know if anyone hassles them,” I tell Tripp.
“Okay.”
Tripp’s stoned expression means I can’t tell if he knows he’s talking to me. Then, he smiles, and I realize he’s not even stoned. That’s just his normal dumb expression.
I take his phone and add my number. “If they need anything, you text me. Get it?”
“Sure, but I won’t be here in a month. I’m visiting Rie in her new home.”
“Well, you better keep an eye on Alexis and her cousins at all other times.”
“Sure, but who’s going to mess with Toomey kids?”
“Alexis isn’t one of them.”
“I don’t know, dude. She can’t really tan.”
Rolling my eyes, I hand back his phone and walk to my Harley. The ride home steals my thunder. I miss Alexis wrapped around me. Her fingers gripping my shirt made me think of us in bed.
Soon, I arrive on the land my family has owned since before I was born. Most of my people live right here on the homestead in prefab houses. We also have a pool, walking trails, and several detached garages for our many vehicles.
Walking into my house, I find my gloriously blonde ma and her nearly as beautiful blonde sisters waiting for me. I walk right past them and straight to the bathroom.
After stripping down, I rub out an hour’s worth of an erection. Alexis is exceptionally sexy, from the top of her red hair to her assumedly adorable toes. I know she’s thinking of me right now. I even see her in the duplex’s tiny shower fixing the same heat in her body as she created in mine.
Dressed in clean clothes, I return to the family room to find the women still waiting for me. I feel like a baby rabbit who’s stumbled into a wolf pack’s hunting ground. My little sister—with her lush, wavy blonde hair, tanned and freckled face, and evil blue eyes suiting a succubus—appears behind me.
“A Toomey!” Tuesday cries and pretends to faint before crawling to the fridge for a glass of spiked ice tea. “Redheads also lack a soul, so there’s that.”
“I will show no bias toward the unfortunate people of red hair,” Ma-Poppy says while flanked by her older sisters. “But what the farting frick, son?”
“Ladies, fan away those vapors. Alexis is a Fontaine. She’s also my dream girl,” I reply, unfazed by the kind of overwrought drama I’ve dodged since I was a toddler. “Have you all forgotten the redheaded babe who owned me years ago? Well, she’s moved to Tumbling Rock. My life just got perfect.”
“If I might,” Justice tells her little sister, who gestures for her to continue. My pixie-hairdo-sporting aunt sighs deeply before bullshitting, “I’ve seen this affliction before. West is at a youthful age when a man wants to destroy his life. Did you know Court once made a baby with a cunty whore-twat-bitch? Of course, he was too immature to know better. Eventually, he grew out of such childish insanity and married me.”
“I’m twenty-six,” I mutter as the sisters share a smile at how they’ll need to double their devious efforts to beat a man of my impeccable self-confidence.
“You know what I think?” Tuesday asks, climbing to her feet with much difficulty despite clearly sober. “I think my big brother is suffering from a midlife crisis.”
Getting in her face as she glares at me, I stress, “I’m twenty-six.”
“You might die young,” she replies and wins a horrified gasp from our ma.
“Our family lives into their hundreds,” Justice insists. “The old coot who left this land to my beloved mother was, in fact, a hundred and fifty when she kicked the bucket.”
My aunt Journey wants so badly to correct her younger sister. Justice knows this fact, too. That’s why she keeps eyeballing her. Ma-Poppy ignores them both.
“I heard this redheaded harlot tried to steal pepperoni from innocent bystanders’ pizzas.”
“Never happened.”
Justice chimes in with, “I heard she hoarded the restaurant’s toilet paper.”
