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WEST, AKA HIS MA’S SECOND-FAVORITE SON
Watching Alexis enjoythe hotel’s free breakfast, I realize she’s incredibly easy to please. One day, after she’s gotten used to being spoiled, she’ll require more work to satisfy. I look forward to the challenge.
I arrive home to find my ma on the couch, playing video games. She looks her usual lovely self in black shorts and a low-cut pink tank top. Her blonde hair shines in the light streaming through the shades.
Ma-Poppy glances at me and sighs deeply. “Come join my game of free for all, so I can shoot you for breaking my heart.”
Obeying her, I drop onto the couch and log in to the local game. Soon, my mother hunts me down, murders me senselessly, and fires into my corpse.
“Feel better?” I ask, grinning as she reloads and fires more into my body before it disappears.
“No.”
“What’s wrong, Ma?”
“You spent the night with a Toomey. She’s gained access to your seed for her mutant spawn.”
“I love her.”
My mother goes still before locating my passive video game character and killing him again. “You don’t even know her.”
“I’m fully aware of all her qualities and flaws.”
“No way is she good enough for my boy.”
“I don’t care what anyone says. Alexis is mine.”
“You’re sick in the head,” Ma-Poppy declares before tracking me down to shoot again. “You’re having a midlife crisis.”
“I’m twenty-six.”
“You were always advanced for your age.”
“Alexis is beautiful and fun and strong. She’s like you but different enough to keep it from becoming gross.”
“I can’t deny I’m Christine’s best daughter. You should mention that the next time your aunts are over.”
“Consider it done,” I say and fire at her character preparing to kill me again. “Is Alexis still invited to dinner tonight?”
“Did you just murder your own mother?”
“I’ll let you win when you’re sixty. You know the rules.”
Sighing, Ma-Poppy forgets to talk while she works to kill me several more times. Finally, she remembers why she’s upset.
“I’m making cabbage and baked beans. Might throw other gassy foods into the mix.”
“Alexis has heard me fart. She won’t be turned off no matter what you feed me.”
“Ah, but have you heard her fart?” Ma-Poppy asks, thinking she’s onto something. “Bet she won’t be so fricking hot once she stinks up the county.”
“She farted last night. It was so cute, like a baby sneeze.”
Ma-Poppy snarls at me. “You’re weird.”
“I’m in love. And my dick is really happy with the woman I’ve selected for it.”
“You’ll get bored.”
