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“What’s this?” he asks, my eyes snapping open. Have I made it wrong?
He’s chewing on the sandwich, but that’s not what he’s referring to. He’s holding up a jar, the same jar I placed my buttons in.
“My button was falling off, so I decided to cut it off.”
He holds the glass up to eye level, shaking it slightly. The buttons ping inside the glass, an odd soothing sound that momentarily takes me hostage.
“But why did you put the buttons in here? Why not in the trash?”
My shoulders sag. Hmm… valid question. And one I have no answer to. “I really don’t know. I just did it without thinking.”
Eli eyes me almost suspiciously. “You did it without thinking, huh?”
I may be wrong, but I feel like I’m being interrogated. “As God is my witness. Why? Is it an issue? Do you want me to throw the buttons in the trash?” The thought somehow fills me with this sense of dread. I can’t throw it in the trash. I don’t know why it’s such a big issue, but I just… can’t.
Eli stares into my eyes and when he spots my distress at the idea, his own eyes soften. “No, of course not. I’m sorry.” He then places his hands on the counter, leaning as he puts his head down in sorrow. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately. I feel so stressed and I’m taking it out on you.”
Taking the pan off the stove and turning the heat down, I pivot towards him, placing my hand on his shoulder. Something unexpected zaps through my hand, like a bolt of electricity. I’m not sure if he feels it too, but he certainly reacts slightly, his posture momentarily stiffening. Did that affect him the same way as me or is it that he just recoils at my touch?
“I was going to mention this later, but now I feel this moment is as good a time as any.”
He fully turns to me, his arms crossing in a defensive gesture. It’s almost like he’s gearing himself up, ready for whatever I’m going to tell him—something bad, I’m sure he suspects, by the way his body stands rigid to the floor. “What is it?”
“I want to apologize for my behavior the other night. I want you to know that I genuinely didn’t know what I was thinking. Jason…” Eli stiffens at the mention of his name. Duly noted. I won’t bring it up again. “…approached me, and I know I should have walked away, but for some reason, I didn’t. I swear to you, though. I wasn’t civil with him in any way. It’s just…”
He cuts me off by surprisingly taking my hand, that same jolt of electricity running through me to him. He notices it too, his forehead crinkling in confusion, but like the pro of an actor he is, he quickly recovers.
“Listen, I appreciate the apology, I really do. To be honest, you can talk to whomever you damn well please. It just, I don’t know… rubbed me the wrong way. People noticed and started talking, and that’s what angered me the most. I was embarrassed by what you were doing to me, worrying what other people would think. It was after that night, when I really thought about it, that I realized something quite substantial.”
Swallowing hard, I keep his hand in mine. “What’s that?” I ask, holding my breath. His touch… it’s taking my breath away.
“I’m becoming my father.” His eyes droop slowly, his distress evident as he drops my hand. The loss is palpable. I want to hold him again. But more than that, I want to ask him questions. So many questions that I should already know the answers to. Who is your father? Why is it so bad that you turn out like him? I’m guessing this is the worst notion in the world to Eli, so I decide to work on that.
“Number one, you’re not your father. And number two, you had every right to be angry with me. I was talking with a man who tried to ruin our relationship and send you to jail. Why wouldn’t you be angry about that?”
“Because I was angrier at the way it looked in other people’s eyes than about how it did in mine. That’s the problem. That’s the reason why I must be honest about it and apologize.”
I grab his hand again, the contact immediately soothing. “Eli, I have so much to apologize to you for. I have been a terrible wife, but I’m trying. I will try. I just need you to have a little… patience, I guess? Is that okay?”
I swallow hard, not knowing whether I will get the answer I’m hoping for. What if, after all this time, all that neglect, I have well and truly lost him? What if the decision to end our marriage has been made up in his mind and this is the night he finally reveals the truth to me?
Eli lets out a long, drawn out breath, and with it, his shoulders relax, his warm smile lighting up those gorgeous green eyes of his. “Of course. I haven’t been the best husband lately either. I keep trying to blame you for it, because it’s easier to do that then blame myself.”
“You have nothing to blame yourself for. It’s all been on me.” Guilt grips my insides. I’m not worthy of this man after everything I’ve done to him. One day, I will have to admit everything to him, but for now I’m being selfish. For now, there’s a voice in my head telling me to take this moment and seize it.
Carpe diem.
Grabbing the sandwich, Eli places it in his mouth and takes a bite. “This sandwich is actually pretty good.”
I jut my hip at him, making him laugh. The sound is soft and soothing to my soul. “Hey, don’t sound so surprised.”
He takes the plate, sitting down at the island so that he can watch me. “I know, but you have never cooked anything in your life. In fact, the only time you come into this kitchen normally is to tell Eleanor you need more coffee.”
My word, I sound so despicably selfish. I internally wince at the thought.
No more.
“I’ve changed,” I reply, placing the pan back on the stove and to heat it up for my sandwich.
