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"It's only to make money," Dan say. "They got one guy called 'The Vegetable' that wears turnip greens for a jockstrap an puts a hollowed-out watermelon over his head with little eyes cut out for him to see thru. Another guy calls himself 'The Fairy,' an has wings on his back an carries a wand. Sumbitch probly weighs three hundred pounds - you oughta see him."
"I don't care what the rest of them do," Jenny says, "I don't like this one bit. Forrest, you go an get out of that outfit."
I gone on back to the bathroom an took off the costume. Maybe Jenny is right, I'm thinkin - but a feller's got to make a livin. Anyhow, it ain't near as bad as the guy I got to rassle tomorrow night in Muncie. He calls hissef "The Turd," an dresses in a big ole body stockin that is painted to look like a piece of shit. Lord knows what he gonna smell like.
Chapter Nineteen
The deal in Muncie is this: I am to get whupped by the Turd.
Mike tell me that on our ride up there. It seem that The Turd has got "seniority" over me an therefore he is due for a win, an bein that it's my first appearance, it is necessary for me to be on the losin end. Mike say he jus want to tell me how it is from the beginnin so there won't be no hard feelins.
"That is rediculous," Jenny say, "somebody callin theyself 'The Turd.' "
"He probly is one," Dan say, tryin to cheer her up.
"Just remember, Forrest," Mike says, "it's all for show. You can't lose your temper. Nobody is to be hurt. The Turd must win."
Well, when we finally git to Muncie, they is a big ole auditorium where the rasslin is to be helt. One bout is already in progress - The Vegetable is rasslin a guy that calls hissef "The Animal."
The Animal is hairy as a ape, an is wearin a black mask over his eyes, an the first thing he does is to snatch off the hollered-out watermelon that The Vegetable is got over his head an drop kick it into the upper bleachers. Nex, he grapped The Vegetable by his head an ram him into the ring post. Then he bite The Vegetable on the han. I was feelin kinda sorry for the po ole Vegetable, but he got a few tricks hissef - namely, he reached down into the collard green leaves he is wearin for a jockstrap an grapped a hanful of some kind of shit an rub it in The Animal's eyes.
The Animal be bellowin an staggerin all over the ring rubbin his eyes to git the stuff out, an The Vegetable come up behin him an kick him in the ass. Then he thowed The Animal into the ropes an wind them up aroun him so's he can't move an start to beatin the hell outta The Animal. The crowd be booin The Vegetable an thowin paper cups an stuff at him an The Vegetable be givin them back the finger. I was gettin kinda curious how it was gonna wind up, but then Mike come up to me an Dan an say for us to go on back into the dressin room an get into my costume cause I'm on nex against The Turd.
After I get into my diapers an the dunce cap, somebody knock on the door an axe, "Is The Dunce in there?" an Dan say, "Yes," an the feller say, "You is on now, c'mon out," an off we go.
The Turd is already in the ring when I come down the aisle with Dan pushin hissef along behin me. The Turd is runnin aroun the ring makin faces at the crowd an damn if he don't actually look somethin like a turd in that body stockin. Anyhow, I climbed up in the ring an the referee get us together an say, "Okay, boys, I want a good clean match here - no gougin eyes or hittin below the belt or bitin or scratchin or any kind of shit like that. I nod an say, "Uh-huh," an The Turd be glarin at me fiercely.
When the bell rung, me an The Turd be circlin each other an he reached out with his foot to trip me but missed an I grapped him by the shoulders an slung him into the ropes. It was then I foun out he have greased hissef up with some kinda slippery shit that make him hard to hold on to. I tried to grap him aroun his waist but he shot out from my hans like a eel. I took a holt of his arm, but he squished away from that too, an be grinnin an laughin at me.
Then he come runnin at me head on to butt me in the stomach but I stepped aside an The Turd go flyin thru the ropes an land in the front row. Everbody be booin an catcallin him, but he climbed on back up in the ring an brung with him a foldup chair. He start chasin me aroun with the chair an since I got nothin to defend mysef with, I start to run away. But The Turd, he hit me in the back with the chair, an let me tell you, that hurt. I tried to get the chair away from him, but he conked me on the head with it, an I was in a corner an there wadn't no place to hide. Then he kicked me in the shin an when I bend over to hole my shin, he kick me in the other shin.
Dan is settin on the ring apron yellin at the referee to make The Turd put down the chair, but it ain't doin no good. The Turd hit me four or five times with the chair an knock me down an get on top of me an grap my hair an start bangin my head on the floor. Then he grap holt to my arm an begun twistin my fingers. I look over at Dan an say, "What the hell is this?" an Dan be tryin to get thru the ring ropes but Mike, he stand up an pull Dan back by his shirt collar. Then all of a sudden the bell rung, an I get to go to my corner.
"Listen," I says, "this bastid is tryin to kill me, beatin me on the head with a chair an all. I is gonna have to do somethin bout it."
"What you is gonna do is lose," Mike say. "He ain't tryin to hurt you - he is just tryin to make it look good."
"It sure don't feel good," I say.
"Jus stay in there for a few more minutes an then let him pin you down," Mike says. "Remember, you is makin five hundrit dollars for comin here an losin - not winnin."
"He hits me with that chair again, I don't know what I'm gonna do," I says. I am lookin out in the audience an there is Jenny lookin upset an embarrassed. I am beginnin to think this is not the right thing to do.
Anyhow, the bell rung again an out I go. The Turd try to grap me by the hair but I flung him off an he go spinnin into the ropes like a top. Then I picked him up aroun the waist an lif him up but he slid out of my grip an land on his ass an be moanin an complainin an rubbin his ass, an the nex thing I knew, his manager done handed him one of them "plumber's helpers" with the rubber thing on the end an he commence to beat me on the head with that. Well, I grapped it away from him an busted it in two over my knee an start goin after him, but I see Mike there, shakin his head, an so I let The Turd come an take holt of my arm an twist it in a hammerlock.
The sumbitch damn near broke my arm. Then he shoved me down on the canvas an begun to hit me in the back of the head with his elbow. I coud see Mike over there, noddin an smilin his approval. The Turd get off me an commenced to kickin me in the ribs an stomach, then he got his chair again an wacked me over the head with it eight or nine times an finally he kneed me in the back an there wadn't a thing I coud do bout it.
I jus lay there, an he set on my head an the referee counted to three an it was sposed to be over. The Turd get up an look down at me an he spit in my face. It was awful an I didn't know what else to do, an I jus couldn't hep it, an I started to cry.
The Turd was prancin aroun the ring an then Dan come up an rolled himsef over to me an started wipin my face with a towel, an nex thing I knew, Jenny had come up in the ring too an was huggin me an cryin hersef an the crowd was hollerin an yellin an throwin stuff into the ring.
"C'mon, let's get outta here," Dan say, an I got to my feet an The Turd be stickin out his tongue at me an makin faces.
"You is certainly correctly named," Jenny says to The Turd as we was leavin the ring. "That was disgraceful."
She could of said it bout both of us. I ain't never felt so humiliated in my life.
The ride back to Indianapolis was pretty awkward. Dan an Jenny ain't sayin nothin much an I am in the back seat all sore an skint up.
"That was a damn good performance you put on out there tonight, Forrest," Mike says, "especially the cryin at the end - crowd loved it!"
"It wadn't no performance," Dan says.
"Oh, shucks," Mike say. "Look - somebody's always got to lose. I'll tell you what - nex time, I will make sure Forrest wins. How's that make you feel?"
"Ought not to be any 'nex time,' " Jenny says.
"He made good money tonight, didn't he?" Mike say.
"Five hundrit dollars for gettin the shit beat out of him ain't so good," Jenny says.
"Well it was his first match. Tell you what - nex time, I'll make it six hundrit."
"How about twelve hundrit?" Dan axed.
