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I move his hand so we can focus on words. Maybe if I hear the words, I’ll realize this black hole is just my imagination.
He smiles. “I’m not good at hiding my feelings, am I?” He kisses my forehead. “Paige, I love you. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone.”
I curl against his chest, making myself small. It’s not my imagination. This black hole is part of me, destroying all light, devouring all feelings to reveal the truth: love is pain. Love is heartbreak. Love is never unconditional.
I wish I could echo Brody’s words, but I won’t when it’s a lie. His ‘I love you’ makes me queasy. ‘I love you’ is that feeling when you stand somewhere high—a skyscraper—and peer over the edge. You think, That’s a really long drop. I’m really high. What if I lose my balance? I don’t want to die. One wobble and I’ll plummet to my death. Splat. No more.
‘I love you’ is abandonment and despair. It’s my mom crying in my lap because of a man who left almost 20 years ago. ‘I love you’ is 20 years of pain.
I look at the ‘I love you’ in Brody’s eyes—soft and shiny, like I can do no wrong. But I make mistakes. I have meltdowns. I can’t go to a lot of places. I’m a lot to handle. I barged into his home without asking and ate his food. Ruined his carpet.
The love shining in his eyes shows everything wrong with me, every way I can’t love him because of everything love means.
He deserves so much more than I can offer. I’m not even allowed to be with him because my mom will never agree to our relationship, and she has authority over that. I can’t give him marriage. I can’t offer an adult relationship where two people are free to live how they want, do what they want, go where they want. Being with me means restrictions. Brody hates lack of freedom.
He stares at my face with sad eyes. Whatever my expression is doing, it’s not showing happiness. “I love you,” he repeats. “And I’m happy. Just how we are right now.”
“You’ve asked me this before, and I’ll always tell you the same thing. You can feel however you feel. You don’t hate me, right?”
“Then I’m happy.”
My uneasiness pours through my fingers as I type.
He lets my words soak in. “I get your worries, and I’ve thought a lot about the future. But I’m not scared of getting hurt. That probably sounds insane to a lot of people, but there’s a difference between getting hurt and letting the hurt destroy you. Hurt doesn’t scare me. Losing the chance to love you does. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of others and then failing them. I failed my mom because we were always poor. I failed Amber all these years because I couldn’t get her the help she needed. I failed her big-time last year. I won’t fail you. I love you and I’m choosing to love you just as things are. That’s what makes it unconditional. I’ve never felt so cared for, even if you never say it’s love. You’re here and that’s all I need. So I’ll have to prove it.”
“If you don’t believe that I can love you without the condition of you loving me back, then I’ll prove it. I wasted too many years running away from relationships and feeling scared of losing my freedom or having my feelings ignored. I’m no longer running. You make me the happiest I’ve ever felt, and as long as you don’t hate me or ask me to get lost, I want to love you. Just give me that chance.”
The stupid tears come back.
He covers my face with kisses, kissing away each tear. “I’m not crazy. That’s what real love is.”
I sob into his chest while he holds me. Solid. Reassuring. That’s Brody.
“I’ve never thought about either. Are you?”
I shake my head. I’m not falling for that.
“Could I see myself marrying you and having a little Brody and a little Paige running around? Yeah. But that’s only one possible future, and it’s not something you need to feel pressured about. I don’t need marriage or kids. Just you. Why can’t we enjoy what we have right now and let everything unfold? I want to love you. I’m not asking for anything else.”
Stop being so accommodating! I want to say in demon voice. I want him to get angry. Tell me he can’t be in a one-sided relationship. Kick me out, so I can go home where I belong. Then I’ll forget about him and how much I want to stay. I can go back to my life of not knowing what any of this feels like.
The black hole swirls and swirls inside me.
I pull myself from Brody’s comforting embrace, air stinging my skin.
He grins. “Worth it.”
“Sure,” he says. “Not a problem.”
I want to scream at him. Scream and scream until he understands how much he confuses me. Instead, I drag myself to my room, pull on clothes, and curl up in a corner with Bamsy.
