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Amber: Always.
Paige: What do you consider boundaries?
Amber: They’re like rules. Like telling someone to ask before touching. When people don’t respect your boundaries, they’re not good people.
Paige: I know about physical boundaries. What about emotional ones?
She takes a few minutes to respond while I stare anxiously at my phone.
Amber: Asking for space. Or asking someone not to call you names. Not bully you or guilt you about things that aren’t your fault. If someone hurts you emotionally and it happens more than once, like it’s not an accident, you need to set a boundary. I was bad about that in my past relationships and let dudes walk all over me. But not anymore. My worth is important and so is yours. We both have to make sure we fight for good mental health. It’s okay to ask for what you need. I knew that before therapy, but I never did it. Therapy drilled it into my head. Ask for what you need.
I work a section of hair in my mouth. I compose a response because there’s a thought in my head trying to get out, but then I change my mind and try to delete what I typed. I accidentally hit send before the sentence is gone, so it comes out: I fee.
Amber: Feel? You feel what?
Paige: Never mind. Sorry.
Amber: You know you can tell me anything. That’s what BFFs are for.
Paige: You’re still my BFF even though I broke my promise to stay?
Amber: Yes. Who else is going to put up with my shit and be so fun to be around?
My fingers stiffen, like they don’t want to move. I think of Amber sobbing and telling me about the horrible accident when she was eighteen. She opened up to me. That’s what friends do, so I guess it’s my turn, even if it’s painful. I let myself type and try not to think too much about what comes out.
Paige: I feel lost. If I had a choice, I would want to leave. I want to live with you again. But I know I can’t, and I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s impossible to set any boundaries here. I also feel guilty about my mom, like I’m turning my back on her. I’ve been reading these articles, and they only make me feel stupid. I never thought about my life much. I am who I am and going out places can be hard, so it made sense that I should stay with my mom. I didn’t know if I could live on my own or keep up with bills and I thought, I have all these meltdowns and I can’t orgasm and I’m damaged goods. But then when I was living with you, I barely had meltdowns. I don’t think I’m as damaged as I thought. But none of this matters since I can’t legally leave. Sorry for rambling. Are you mad I left? I’m sorry.
Amber: I’m not mad. I’m worried and scared. You CAN leave. Screw the legality. I don’t care if I go to jail. You can come back here, and we’ll figure it out. It’s okay for you to want your own life and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. You have a human right to your own life. Your mom has to deal with her shit, like I had to deal with mine. Even if it hurts to leave her, you’re not safe there. Your safety is important. I miss you.
Paige: I miss you, too.
Amber: If you give us your address, we’ll come get you. You always have a home here.
Paige: We?
Amber: Brody is here with me. He told me about you guys. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you for that, only dick-for-brains.
I scan her message again, thinking I misread. But no. It says Brody. My heart flutters from seeing his name. Then it pounds. Maybe I’m not ready to talk to him.
Brody: Hey, it’s Brody. Amber told me what’s going on. It doesn’t matter. We just want you safe. If you give us your address, we’ll pick you up and everything will be okay. We’ll find a lawyer. You don’t have to stay there. You shouldn’t.
Paige: You can’t come here.
Brody: We can. We just need your address. If this is about the letter, I respect your decision to breakup. But please let us come get you. I’ll even stay in a hotel if you don’t want me around.
I thrash my head from side to side like he can see me. They can’t come here. I don’t want that man to hurt them. He has no problems with confrontation. And I can’t face Brody. Not after failing to love him back.
Brody: We can fight this.
Paige: There’s nothing to fight.
Why are they both so stubborn? I can’t fight this. Yes, I deserve happiness and to be treated kindly and everything, but I’m also stuck. My mom is friends with the judge, the only person who can legally change my life. He’ll never reverse the guardianship. And if it did magically get reversed, what would happen to my mom? I know Amber says I deserve to have my own life, but how can I just abandon her like my dad did? She’d die of a broken heart.
Then I’d die because that man would murder me.
Brody: There’s plenty to fight. They’re abusing you, so they’re not being good guardians. You can’t stay there. You’re not safe.
I nearly throw the phone at the wall. Why isn’t he understanding?
