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“Can I hug you now?” she asked.
“What?”
“Well… Friends hug, right?”
What the fuck? Where had that come from?
I couldn’t do anything but nod.
She walked towards me slowly, like I was a skittish animal liable to run at any moment. It felt like an apt description. Gently, she reached up and her arms slid around my neck like a puzzle piece slipping into place. I hesitated before winding mine around her waist. My nose went to her hair, and I couldn’t help but breathe deeply.
She smelled like her Nivea soap.
She smelled like the strawberry body spray she used.
She smelled like warm sunshine on my blackened soul.
She smelled like…home.
I felt her heart beating against mine and didn’t know how I’d be able to live with the knowledge I was pushing the one good thing out of my life. The one thing that made me want to be better. But it was better this way. Eventually, I’d break her. I wouldn’t want to, but I ruined everything I touched. Maybe one day, I’d be better, but not before hurting her. She’d escaped undoable harm so far. Who knew how long that would last?
Piper pulled away from me slowly. As she looked into my eyes, our noses bumped. Everything in me screamed at me to kiss her.Just kiss her, you fucking idiot. It wasn’t too late to keep her, not yet.
“Piper…” I heard myself say.
“Roman?” she replied, unable to keep the hope from her voice.
“I can’t…” was all I could get out.
It was less telling her and more a reminder to me. She wasn’t mine to keep. She couldn’t be mine to keep. If I cared about her as much as I knew I did, I had to let her go before I broke her, too.
She nodded. “Okay.”
She was fucking breaking me all over again.
Every step of the way, no matter what I did, she accepted me. She understood.
My forehead dropped to hers and my eyes closed. It was as close as I could let myself get. Her hand trailed down my cheek and it nearly undid me. I took a deep breath against the pain and knew she needed a better explanation. One not full of hate and anger and pain.
“I can’t hurt you more than I already have, Piper…”
There was so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the voice.
“I… I understand,” she said.
“Do you?” I pleaded as I looked into her eyes.
“I don’t know anymore, Roman. Okay? I think I do, then you say things like that, and I have no idea.”
I pulled her closer and she snuggled into my jumper. I needed to be closer to her. I needed her. It wasn’t about sex. Not this time. It was about connection. It was about feeling. It was about something that couldn’t – shouldn’t – be put into words.
“I just…” I sighed. “This is as good an example as any. I can’t keep my hands off you when I’m with you. And, that’s not fucking fair. What kind of friend constantly things about kissing you, or worse–?”
“You,” she offered.
I didn’t know if it was an attempt at humour or an accusation, but I chuckled roughly. Then I sobered as I realised that was exactly the problem.
“Fuck,” I said as I pushed her to arm’s length. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
