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PARTTWO
ChapterFifteen
THALIA
Ten Months later...
People.
Interesting beings if we study them long enough. You see things. Things you’re not supposed to, but if you watch close enough, you see them clear as day. Things that they would rather keep in the dark. The things you do when you think no one is watching. Their own little secrets, hidden away for no one to see.
As I sit here in the pavilion overlooking the main arena at the sunshine tour in Spain, my point is proven. My gaze narrows in on the married Brazilian showjumper Pedro Santos as he grazes his groom’s ass, his eyes filled with lust. How she shoots him a knowing look before her eyes dart around to make sure they haven’t been seen. Behind my sunglasses, they can’t see that I’m watching. That I witnessed their sly glances. Touches. The illicit affair they try to hide as his wife and children sit not even fifty meters away.
My gaze moves to the darling of British Showjumping, Sophie Peake. The way she digs her spurs into her horse’s side, making the animal bleed, all because they finished on twelve faults in their last round. She blames her horse but its more to do with her subpar riding. She jabs the metal into the poor horse inconspicuously, hoping no one sees her. Hoping no one witnesses her cruelty. But I do. I see it all.
I see things I don’t want to. Witness the things people would rather keep unseen, so they can fool the world into thinking they’re a decent human. I’m no better though. I had my own secrets that I tried to hide. I swallow, as my thoughts drift tohim, I would like to say it’s unusual for that to happen, but I’d be lying.Heis always on my mind, no matter how much I try to push the memory of him away.
I briefly wonder, again, if there was anyone watching us. If, like me, they knew what we were trying to hide. Our little touches, glances, the love that clearly shone in our eyes. Were we as inconspicuous as we thought we were? Like always, my chest constricts at the thought ofhim,and I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe. Panic rises in me, pain clawing at my insides. I take a deep calming breath. But my heart continues to race.
It’s been ten months and things haven’t gotten any easier. I thought they would, eventually, but I was wrong. I underestimated just how deep he ingrained himself in me. How much he became a part of me.
I think back to when I walked away and sometimes wish that I hadn’t, that things could have been different. But that’s the thing about choices. In that moment we hope we are making the right one. I can admit, I don’t think I did. I wish now I had stood by him, like he stood by me when things got tough. He was willing to give up everything for me... and yet I didn’t give him the same courtesy. I’m a coward.
They say with time, the pain gets better. They’re wrong. It gets worse. The Theo-shaped hole in my heart grows bigger. I breath in and out, trying to calm myself as anxiety builds. It always happens when I think abouthim. I hope one day it will be easier. One day I will look back on our time together and smile. Smile because for that brief period, he was mine. We were happy. In love.
Like always whenheenters my thoughts, I think about what he’s doing. Whether he’s happy. What he’s like as a father. My chest cracks at the notion and a lump forms in my throat. I can feel myself slipping further into that deep dark hole. It was supposed to be us. We were supposed to be together, have a family. But Melody took that away from us when she tookhischoice away and drugged and raped him. You may think rape is too strong a word, that it doesn’t happen to men. But it does. It happened to the love of my life and resulted in a pregnancy thathewouldn’t walk away from, no matter how much he hates Mel.
I don’t blame him for what happened. If I could talk to him now, I would tell him how proud I am of him for staying with a woman that would stoop to such levels just to keep him. I would tell him that no matter what, I love him. Even now my heart is so full of love for him and how selfless he is. We just weren’t meant to be. The cards were stacked against us. Someone took away our fate, all so she can say he is hers. But what she doesn’t know is he will never be hers. He gave his heart to me just like I gave mine to him. And they will never be anyone else’s, even if we can’t be together.
I have tried to move on and even went on a couple dates with Parker. He visited me with my family a few months back. I think my parents were so worried about me, they brought him along to try and push me out of my Theo heartbreak. I love Parker but I realized very quickly it would only ever be as a friend. We had fun together, I even laughed. For a moment I was myself again, carefree, having fun. Then he kissed me, and I freaked out. He had washed away my last kiss with Theo. Parker was understanding, and I even told him about what I was going through, about my relationship with Theo. He was not surprised; said he saw it at the ball we attended together. When I saw the pity in his eyes, I cried for the rest of our evening. Parker being the gentleman he is, held me and comforted me all night. It was then he knew we would never be any more. no matter how hard he tried. I didn’t want him to try, I wanted him to find someone who deserved him. I could have forced myself to be with him. Parker was safe, familiar. But he wasn’t Theo. He would be second best to a man that lived rent free in my heart and my head and Parker deserved better than that. We’re still friends and Parker now has a girlfriend. I couldn’t be happier for him.
As for the man I love, I don’t know where he is, what he’s doing, or if he’s even in Wellington. If his name comes up, I walk away. I know he hasn’t been on any tours. And I have seen no mention of results from him in the Equestrian magazines. It’s like he just disappeared. But I feel him. His ghost is everywhere. With every decision I make, every competition I compete in, he’s there. I can’t move on from him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
“Thalia, are you listening to me?” Laney Murdoch snaps, dragging me out of my inner turmoil. I glance at her. It’s been a hard ten months but somehow, I’ve managed to get good results on the international circuit and even make a name for myself. Even after my knee injury and all that happened with Theo, I was chosen for the three-star nations cup teams in Madrid along with Kiara—who is also training with someone new—and we won a gold medal. I didn’t ask her why she left Theo or Rhodes Farms, and she didn’t tell me. Although I have heard from both Carter and Marissa via message, I haven’t seen them since Wellington. I know they aren’t training with Theo, but I do know they’re together and both still competing in America.
Making the teams was an amazing experience, an even bigger achievement. But the happiness I felt was overpowered by the underlying sadness of not having Theo by my side. Not that Laney hasn’t been great, she has. She just isn’t him.
“Hmm?”
She rolls her eyes in exasperation. “You did good today. Be proud. That clear round on Roulette was excellent. Remember you’re still getting to know each other, and this is your first competition together. And as for Romantiek? You stepped up to five-star, finishing on four faults. It’s the highest course you’ve competed in, and you didn’t disappoint.”
I smile. “Thank you.” A few months ago, my father purchased another horse for me, Roulette; his stable name is Robin. He’s a beautiful sixteen two hands chestnut gelding with four white socks. He was purchased to replace Zeus—not that another horse could ever replace him—and has taken me back up to four horses. My baby girl Lolli has stepped down a level so I’m taking it easier with her and my boys are all doing great things. I couldn’t be happier with them.
“Does he ever switch off?” she jerks her chin and I follow her line of sight to Greg, who stands stoic a few feet behind me.
“You can sit, Greg,” I sigh and turn back to Laney. “And no, he doesn’t. He should and I keep telling him, but he won’t listen.”
“I’m just doing my job, Thalia,” he grumbles. As I turn, I catch his narrowed gaze on Laney, something in it I can’t quiet decipher. Glancing back at her, she flashes him a coy smile as her cheeks turn pink.
Hmm. Interesting.
Are Laney and Greg into each other?
Before I can say anything, someone drops down in the seat next to me and pulls me into a hug.
“How’s my favorite girl?’” Francois Toussaint rasps in my ear with his French accent.
I grin at him. Through all the heart ache, Francois has been a ray of sunshine. I met him when I moved to Laney’s farm last year—he also trains with her—and being French Royalty, we understood each other. After a few months of knowing Franny and one particularly bad night of being upset and crying my eyes out I told him everything. He soothed and comforted me for hours and once my tears had subsided, he gave me a speech similar to the one my sister gave me all those months ago.
