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Then Austin held up his small flask. Normally, Hayden avoided anything mind-altering, save for a few snowed in nights with his brothers when they were young and dumb. Tonight, however, he took it, a little too quickly for his own comfort.
Throwing it back, he felt the warm liquid burn its way down his throat, creating a path of heat all the way to his stomach. One swig was enough to ease his nerves. He pulled the bottle back, offering it to Austin.
His friend, if he could call him that, shook his head, a smirk on his face. “Another.”
Hayden felt a groan rise in his throat, but he swallowed it down and took another large drink from the bottle. “Happy?”
At that, Austin took his flask back, taking another drink himself before tightening the cap and tucking it into his jacket. “So talk. What’s going on with the girl?”
Hayden cleared his throat, the burn still scratching at it. “Nothing.” Nobody had to know that since Anna had entered his life, he hadn’t been able to think clearly. That her presence made him feel distracted, unhinged, unable to focus. That he spent nights in this damned tent, working on mostly useless devices that he’d never get running again, just to avoid humiliating himself further in front of her and the others.
When Anna was around, Hayden was a mess. And he wasn’t a big fan of looking like a mess. Particularly when he remembered how many lives, Anna’s included, were hanging on his ability to stay focused.
He’d been out of control before. Unhinged. Emotional. Thoughtless. He wouldn’t be that way again. Not when lives were at stake. And in the world they lived in? Lives were always at stake.
“Mason and Rachel have a weird, will-they-won’t-they thing going on. Seems like the lovebug’s been getting around,” Austin mused. “Didn’t Hunter find himself a girl, too?”
Hayden’s eyes narrowed on Austin. “Yes. He did.” Derek did, too. His brothers were falling like flies, it seemed. How long would it be before Sawyer finally gave in to his pull toward Kayla?
“I bet nobody gives a shit what he thinks about combat anymore. Stupid, to go wasting all that talent on some girl.”
Hayden’s anger flared. “What does that mean?”
Austin widened his eyes, shrugging. “I mean, I just don’t see how anyone could take him seriously anymore.”
“Hunter Kane is the best fighter any of us have ever met. How the fuck does having a woman and child change any of that?”
Austin grinned, patting his hand on the table and rising. “I’m glad you agree.” He stalked out of the tent, leaving the tent flap open and slapping against the side due to wind.
Hayden stared after him for a moment, his mind fuzzier than he wanted to admit from the small amount of alcohol he’d drank. Slowly, Austin’s words clicked into place, and Hayden recognized what his friend had meant to tell him.
He… definitely should’ve been able to come to that conclusion on his own, without the assistance of Austin, or alcohol, or anything else. Yet in his mind, being around Anna had changed him, had stopped him from properly doing his job.
Could he be a successful leader and also do right by the woman he lo–, er, cared for? Could he maintain his intelligence-focus, manage his charges, and hold the respect of his people, while still pulling down his walls around Anna?
Would she even want that?
He thought to her recent behavior, her softness, her smiles and soft stares, and decided that yes, she would want that from him. Even if she may not openly admit it.
A quiet voice in his mind told him that this was never about his ability to do his job. That this was decades of guilt, whispering that he doesn’t deserve to find happiness. Not until he righted his wrongs. Not until he took out Greene and destroyed the entire organization once and for all. Not until he made the blood spilled helping him worth it, made certain it was not spilled in vain.
Normally, he’d head to bed by now, but tonight? He needed to think. And to let the alcohol clear out of his system. He and Anna had an important conversation to have, and it was important they had it sober.
Hayden spent the next hour or so thinking about his situation with Anna. He thought about what would happen when they carried out their attack on Greene, how they’d take him out and what could possibly go wrong. He thought about what it might feel like when his father was finally dead, as he should’ve been over a decade ago when Hayden last made an attempt on his life. He thought about whether or not Anna would stay with the Resistance after she found her revenge, whether or not she’d stay with him. He thought about the way she clung to him in the night, the way her body relaxed against his, the way her moans sounded, muffled against his shoulder.
Austin was right. Why did it matter that he found himself growing attached to Anna? Perhaps the real hindrance to his job wasn’t the way he felt about Anna, but the way he clung to his own mask while simultaneously trying to dismantle hers. Perhaps he didn’t need to appear cold, unattached, or robotic to be effective in his role, to make amends for his past. Why couldn’t he be both people? The quiet, observational intelligence director and Resistance leader, and the caring, empathetic, open man that Anna needed him to be.
Who had stuck it in his brain that he had to choose? All his talk about Anna needing to not be driven by revenge, and he’d let himself be driven by the exact same thing.
No, not revenge. Hayden hadn’t wanted revenge.
He wanted redemption.
It didn’t matter anymore. Hayden realized, far later than he should have, that it was never a choice. He could have both, be both. He could complete his mission and have some semblance of a life outside of said mission.
Did Anna see the same thing? Or was her one and only goal still vengeance?
Would Anna try to rush in, make the same mistakes that he did and risk her own life in the process? He wasn’t sure. He liked to believe that she’d moved past that impulsive, desperate need she had when he’d first found her out in the woods and dragged her back with him, but he couldn’t be sure. That was priority number one, more important than dealing with the aching need he felt for her.
