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After dinner, Ian and I went down to their basement, where they had a couch and big-screen TV set up, to watch a movie. But we didn’t even make it through the opening credits before our attention was focused elsewhere: on each other. He gently guided me to sit on his lap as our kisses deepened, and as I straddled him, I felt the evidence of what this was doing to him pressing between my legs.
My heart started racing – not in desire, but in fear. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to control himself. That he’d try to take something from me that I wasn’t ready to give him.
But then I reminded myself this had been the point where I’d frozen up the past few times we’d started making out, and he hadn’t tried that yet. Every single time, he’d always stopped and told me it was okay. So I forced myself to move past it because I knew we’d never get anywhere if I didn’t start pushing myself a little bit and try to start rewiring my brain to stop seeing Ian as a threat.
He slid his arms around my waist, slipping them under the fabric of my shirt, and a shiver went up my spine at the skin-on-skin contact…but I didn’t think it was in fear this time. I didn’t have anything to compare this feeling to, but it wasn’t like the way I felt when he did something that reminded me of what I’d been through. It wasn’t an uncomfortable feeling. Just…different.
“You okay, baby?” Ian whispered against my lips.
I nodded, and he slid his hands up my back, caressing my shoulders under my shirt as he kissed me again. And I was okay for a while. More than okay, even. I was completely lost in his kisses and his touch. Even when he moved one of his hands down to my ass and guided my movements as I started to rock my hips into him, giving in to the natural instincts that were all but foreign to me. I wasn’t ready to do anything more than this, but right now, what we were doing felt good and I felt safe, and I wasn’t going to question it.
And then he cupped my breast over the fabric of my shirt, and I froze as I heard Drew’s voice in my head, as clear as if he was sitting right next to me.
“I’m just giving you what you asked for, Ky.”
“Ky?” Ian said, but it sounded like it was far away. “Baby?”
I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I was just frozen. Trapped in a loop, reliving my worst nightmare over and over again.
“You’re not going anywhere, Ky. The fun’sjustgetting started.”
Ian cupped my cheek, making me look at him, and he looked so sad. Not angry. Not even upset. Just sad that something he’d done had made me react like this.
“Ky, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, brushing a whisper of a kiss on my forehead. “I wasn’t thinking.”
I couldn’t do this anymore. I had to tell him. He had to know what kept making me shut down like this. I couldn’t let him think any of this was his fault.
“I…I…” I tried, but I choked on the words and a sob came out instead.
“Shh,” he murmured, pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you. You’re safe here.”
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed.
Ian pulled back to look at me, and I’d never seen this expression on his face before. Not exactly. The devastation that was always present when he did something that triggered me was accompanied by something else tonight.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Ky,” he said softly. “I love you. That’s not changing.”
My eyes went wide. He couldn’t possibly feel that strongly about me. I mean, we’d only been going out for a month. How could he evenknowwhat he felt yet?
“You don’t have to say anything, but just listen for a minute,” he told me. “I know it’s only been a month, and I know I probably sound crazy. But I also know how I feel. You’ve gotten under my skin, Ky. From the second you had me tell you to buy shoes in Spanish, I knew there was something special about you. And this past month, being with you…I’ve never been happier. I can’t stop thinking about you. When you’re not with me, it’s like I can’t take a full breath until I see you again. And I don’t know what happened – orishappening – to you to make you so scared, but what I do know is that all I want to do is protect you from ever knowing this kind of fear again. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
“Ian…” I trailed off, unsure of what to say to that.
He kissed me again. It was soft and sweet and gentle, but full of so much passion that I thought I might explode. Like he was trying toshowme what he’d just been rambling about.
That did it. The last little bit of the wall that I’d been keeping around my heart, the barrier between “like” and “love” that I’d forced myself to keep up, disintegrated. Or maybe it had already disintegrated a long time ago and I just hadn’t let myself admit it.
“I love you too,” I whispered, barely audible.
That earned me another kiss just as tender as the first one. But he didn’t try to take it further than a kiss. He didn’t try to move his hand from my face or touch me anywhere else. It was like he knew he’d crossed a line tonight and he didn’t want to cross any more.
That made me even more sure that telling him my story was the right thing to do. He had to understand that I knew he wasn’t freezing up on purpose and thathewasn’t the one who was hurting me.
“I need to tell you,” I sniffled. “I need to tell you what happened to me. But I’m scared. I’m scared that it’ll change us. And I’m scared that you won’t believe me, becauseIbarely believe it happened, even though I live with it every day.”
“You can tell me anything, Ky,” he said, keeping his eyes locked on mine. “It’s not going to change anything about how I feel about you, and I swear I’ll believe you. But you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”
“I want to tell you,” I sighed. “You deserve to know. But you can’t tell anyone, no matter how much you might want to.”
