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“I promise it won’t leave this room,” he assured me, brushing my lips again.
I took a deep breath, preparing to tell him about my own personal Hell on Earth.
“I wasn’t always like this. I used to have friends. I wasn’t popular, really, but I hung out in the same circles. I went to the same parties. I got along with everyone, and they got along with me.
“So, um, sophomore year, there was a party after the homecoming dance. I honestly don’t even remember whose house it was. Just that I’d never been there before. One of the kids’ older brothers got us a bunch of booze, so everyone was drinking. I’d had a couple of wine coolers, and I was pretty buzzed. I don’t remember how it happened, but I ended up playing spin the bottle, and I was all excited when I spun the bottle and it landed on Drew Harrison because I’d had the biggest crush on him since freshman year. It was my first kiss, and it was nice. He was nice. He told me not to run off because he wasn’t done with me, and the next thing I remember is being in the kitchen of that house when he found me again.
“He led me outside, and we went out to the shed behind the house. He pressed me up against the wall and we started making out. I tried to move my arms, but it kind of felt like they were made of lead. And he didn’t give me a chance to remember how my muscles worked before he pinned my arms above my head with one hand and squeezed my breast hard with the other hand.”
“Baby,” Ian murmured.
“Babe, I’m sure you’re going to have questions, and I promise I’ll answer them, but please let me get this out first,” I sniffled, wiping the tears off of my face as I let the horrific memories back in for the first time in two years. “If I don’t get it all out at once, I won’t get it out at all.”
He nodded and kissed my forehead, but didn’t say anything.
“I remember telling Drew that I wasn’t sure about being there anymore and that I just wanted to go home,” I continued. “And then Max Taylor and Tucker Yates appeared from out of nowhere, talking about how I wasn’t going anywhere and telling Drew nice job for getting them a live one or something like that. Drew backed up just enough that I was able to shimmy away, but Max grabbed me, threw me back against the shed, and pinned me down again. I opened my mouth to scream, but Max put his hand over my mouth before I could get a sound out, then pulled out a pocketknife and put it to my throat. He told me that if I made a sound or tried to resist, he’d slit my throat.
“So I let them lead me into the woods behind the house. Then Tucker pulled a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket. I have no idea if he stole them from the house or how he’d gotten them. He pulled my shirt off, then lit a cigarette and put it out on my stomach and told me that if I didn’t do everything I was told to, he’d burn me again. He forced me onto my knees and undid his jeans, and he…he…”
I broke down in sobs as I remembered almost throwing up around the obstruction in my throat. Thinking I was going to die because I couldn’t breathe. The humiliation of what was being done to me.
Ian’s arms tightened around me, and he kissed my forehead again, but he didn’t say anything. The look in his eyes, though…it broke my heart. He looked tortured hearing what his teammates had done.
But I was nowhere close to finished. I was just getting started. And I needed to get this out now. I knew I’d never find the strength to talk about this again. So I took a deep breath and forced myself to continue.
“Tucker forced himself down my throat, and I gagged. I thought for sure that I was going to throw up, but somehow I didn’t. I couldn’t breathe, but he kept going and put a hand on the back of my head so I couldn’t move, and then he finished in my hair. I guess gagging on him wasn’t allowed, because he lit the cigarette again just so he could put it out on me and told me I was going to have to do better than that if I didn’t want to get hurt.
“I just wanted them to stop hurting me, so I gave Drew and Max blow jobs, thinking that would be enough for them. But it wasn’t. When I was done with Max, he threw me down on the ground and straddled me, pinning me down with his knees, and he pulled my bra cups down and bit my left breast so hard that I still have a full bite mark scar there. Literally an entire imprint of his teeth. Then he pulled my skirt up and tore my panties off and asked Tucker for a cigarette. He lit it just so he could put it out…there.”
Ian still kept his unspoken promise to just let me get my story out without saying anything. But when I said that, his eyes went from pained and sympathetic to almost murderous and his arms tightened around me even more.
I choked back the sob in my throat so I could finish. I was almost done. I could do this.
“All three of them took turns with me. I guess I should be glad that they used condoms, but the thing is, I’m super allergic to latex. Like, I even have to look at what bandages I buy to make sure there’s no latex in them because I’ll get a rash. So if I can get a rash from just a bandage that has latex in it, you can imagine what their condoms did to me. I got a godawful rash in a place that no one should ever have a rash. It hurt so bad. And then there was the pain from the cigarette burn. And the pain from them pounding into me. I remember thinking that I wanted to die. I actually prayed to God to kill me so I wouldn’t have to keep feeling the pain and humiliation.
“I don’t know how long they kept going for or how many turns they took, but it felt like it went on forever. When they were done, Max put the pocketknife to my throat again and put another cigarette out on my stomach and told me that if I ever told anyone what they’d done, they’d kill me.
“I don’t even remember how I got home. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning and being glad my mom was working the day shift because I couldn’t face her. I knew I couldn’t tell her. I wasn’t even allowed to be alone with boys at all. And it was my fault for drinking too. Melissa gave me that first wine cooler, and I could have said no, but I didn’t. I drank it and then drank another full one and half of a third one. If I hadn’t been drinking, I would have known something wasn’t right and I wouldn’t have even gone outside with Drew. And I knew my mom would just punish me for breaking the rules and tell me I deserved what I got, and I didn’t need to add insult to injury.
“So I called Melissa, told her what happened, and made her swear not to tell. I asked her to get me some burn cream and gauze from the store and treated the cigarette burns by myself. I poured a ton of hydrogen peroxide in the bite and put gauze on that too, and I just went without a bra for about a week because it hurt too much to wear one.
“I thought that if I just kept my mouth shut, it would be over. But the abuse online started that day, and by the time I got back to school on Monday, everyone was calling me a slut and a whore and a thot. I’ve tried to just keep my head down and keep to myself since then, but that’s not enough for Max. Drew and Tucker…it’s not like they were innocent, but they just wanted to get off. But it seemed like what Max liked the most was watching my pain and my fear. And even now, it’s like he’s getting off on torturing me and making me relive it every time he says something. I think that’s why he keeps the rumors going strong. To make sure I don’t talk, but also to make sure I don’t forget. And it’s worked. I still have nightmares about it to this day, and I haven’t told anyone except Melissa and now you.”
Ian had tears streaming down his face by the time I was done, and he was holding me so tight that it almost hurt. But I couldn’t have backed away if my life depended on it. Feeling his arms around me right now was the only thing that was keeping me from having a full-fledged meltdown after having to relive every second of my trauma. I hadn’t let myself think about it for two whole years.
Well, not consciously.
“Fuck, Ky,” he rasped, his voice thick with his tears. “I wish I knew what to say to you. ‘I’m sorry’ feels like a cop-out. That doesn’t even begin to cover what you’ve been through. But I’m so fucking sorry. I really hope Melissa said this when you talked to her the next morning, but no part of what happened was your fault. Not even a little bit. I don’t care if you drank an entire brewery that night. Those assholes made the choice to assault you, and that isone hundred percenton them. I’m so grateful that you trusted me enough to share that with me, and I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” I sniffled. “Anyway, I just need you to know that it’s not you I don’t trust. When I freeze when you touch me or startle me, it’s not you. I trust you more than I’ve trusted anyone else in a really long time. But I just need you to be patient with me because I’m broken and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to put myself back together again.”
“Baby, you’re not broken,” he said, giving me a soft kiss. “Please don’t ever say that again. You’re a survivor. Knowing what I know about you now, I can’t help but think about the irony of your last name, because you have to be the strongest person I know.
“Look, I get why you’re scared to tell anyone. I know Max’s parents have a shit ton of money and would try to pay to get this swept under the rug. But my dad can help you if you want to report it. He prosecutes cases like yours. He actually does a lotof work with sexual assault survivors, and he says all the time that he loves what he does because he loves getting to put monsters like that behind bars where they belong.”
“No,” I insisted, shaking my head. “I can’t. I can’t go through that. Max’ll find a way to hurt me if I do it. I know he will. I just have to get through this year, and then I’ll never have to see Max or Drew or Tucker again. Besides, it was two years ago. It’s probably too late to do anything even if I wanted to.”
“It’s your call, Ky,” he assured me. “It’s not my place to tell anyone what you just told me or to tell you what to do. Just know that I’ll support you however you need me to, no matter what. You’re not alone anymore, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”
