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The Gordian Knot was still there, hopelessly tangled and strangling the life out of me.
If I chose Derek, it would break my heart to leave Ryan – and I would be crushed to know I had betrayed all the kindness and sweetness he had shown me.
Not to mention I was deathly afraid that Derek might have changed for the moment… but that he wouldn’t stay that way. Cheetahs don’t change their spots, I reasoned, and Derek would never be faithful.
Or do they?
My mother had changed. Could Derek do the same?
The only danger was, I feared he was still a scorpion – and if I gave him the chance again, I would end up getting stung.
On the other hand, if I chose Ryan, I knew that something inside me would still yearn for Derek. He was a hunger, an itch, a drug, an addiction. Deeper than that, though, he was still the boy I had fallen in love with four years ago. The one who had told me that
Dumbo
made him cry, the one who had told me how his father had sung ‘Under The Bridge’ to him when he was four years old… the one who had begged me to stay.
The one I had walked away from, whose heart I had broken.
Either way, Bigger was over. Tonight had been their swan song. Ryan would give up the thing he loved and created, Riley would lose her surrogate family, and everybody would lose. You only capture lightning in a bottle once, and if Ryan left, so would the magic.
As I stared at them, weighing all my fears and desires, I suddenly saw the solution. Like Alexander, I had found the way to untangle the knot.
Or so I thought.
“I’ve decided,” I said.
Both Derek and Ryan watched me closely, neither one wanting to show their fear.
“Who is it?” Ryan asked.
“Me or him?” Derek demanded.
I took a deep breath.
“Both.”
116
They stood there staring at me mutely for what seemed like ages.
Derek spoke first.
“…what?”
“I want both of you. I
need
both of you in my life.”
“We’ve both been in your life the last few weeks, and I think we’ve seen how
that
worked out,” Ryan said darkly.
“Which means you two are going to have to work it out and learn to live with each other – if you want to stay with me.” I turned to Derek. “I know you can’t be faithful. Not forever, anyway – ”
“I can and I
will,
” he protested. “You just have to give me a chance.”
“I already gave you a chance,” I said. “You even said back in Vegas that you would have cheated no matter what.”
“That was the old me!”
I shook my head. “I can’t – I
won’t
– be with somebody who would lie to me, who would rip away everything we built together like that,” I said, snapping my fingers.
“I wouldn’t do that,” Derek protested.
I just looked at him for a moment like,
Really? REALLY.
He sighed in pain. “You won’t ever trust me again, will you?”
I hesitated for a long moment.
“Not until I see something to
make
me trust you again.”
Then I turned to Ryan. “I love you so much… but you know that I love Derek. I have, for years. I can’t pretend I’m not still in love with him. But I need you to know that it doesn’t mean I love you any less. You’re the person I want to build everything with… you’re the man I want children with, that I want a family with. But… I can’t deny that I love him, too. Maybe that makes me an awful person. Maybe it makes me somebody
you
don’t want to be with. I can understand that. But if you want us to be together… I need you to accept it.”
He just stared at me, looking hurt and confused.
“When did you come up with this wonderful little plan?” Derek asked.
“Just now.”
“I think this is just you chickening out and not having to make a decision.”
“To have your cake and eat it too,” Ryan said bitterly.
“It’s not,” I said.
“Riiight,” Derek smirked.
“If I go with you, I lose Ryan, and that will break my heart. Not to mention I know you’ll cheat on me. Maybe not next week, maybe not even for years – but you
will
cheat on me. Thinking anything else is just deluding myself. And if I go with Ryan, I
know
you. You’re obsessed, and you’d just keep on coming, no matter how many times I told you to get lost. And you know what? I’d want you to. I wouldn’t
want
you to give up on me, because deep down, I want
you
, too, the same way you want
me
. But if I cheated with you, then I rip Ryan’s heart out, and I lose him all over again. And then you go off and cheat on me again anyway, sooner or later.”
Derek gritted his teeth. “Okay… those are some pretty good reasons for
you,
but give me one good reason why both of us should have to put up with this half-and-half bullshit while you get everything you want? You’re not having to give up a damn thing here.”
