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“Yes I am.”
“Oh yeah?
What,
exactly?”
“Either I get you both at the same time… or I don’t get either of you.”
Ryan frowned. “What does
that
mean?”
“It means that if you can’t agree to share me… then I’m leaving tonight, and I won’t be seeing either of you ever again.”
117
That
got their attention.
“What the fuck?!” Derek raged.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ryan said, shaking his head. “You and I could leave and do everything you say you want – start a family, build a life together – but you’d throw it all away because you can’t fuck him on the side?”
“It’s not like that,” I insisted.
“Sure sounds like that to me,” he snapped.
“And I’m not sharing you,” Derek said. “With
anybody.
”
I breathed out heavily.
This wasn’t going the way I’d wanted.
But I knew it was an all-or-nothing gamble… and I knew myself well enough that if I couldn’t have it, I would be unhappy for the rest of my life.
“Then I have to leave,” I said. “I can’t be with just one of you, because it will break my heart to lose the other, and I’ll end up destroying both of you.”
“No one’s making you leave,” Ryan said.
“I know.”
“You’re
choosing
that.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“Why?”
“Because if I can’t have both of you, I’m going to be miserable, and one of you will be miserable, and probably the other person will be miserable, too. You want me to choose
you
, and be happy and joyful and pretend like that’s exactly what I always wanted. But I can’t. I can’t pretend, and I don’t ever think I
will
be happy and joyful about only having one of you. So it’s better that I leave entirely, and maybe we can all start over again. But none of us will be able to do that if I go with one of you.”
Ryan shook his head in disbelief. “You would choose making yourself miserable just because you can’t have
everything
you want?”
“If there’s a shot I can have both of you, then yes.”
“Well you can’t,” Derek snapped.
“Then I guess I don’t have a choice.”
I walked over to Derek and looked him in the eye. He frowned, not understanding what the hell was going on.
“I love you,” I said, and smiled sadly. “I’ve loved you since that first night we met – I just didn’t know it at the time. You make me feel wild and free and alive. I love you… and part of me always will.”
I leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. He tried to kiss me back, but I pulled away and walked over in front of Ryan.
“I love you. You are the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful man I have ever met, and I don’t deserve you.” I started to cry. “I love how safe and cherished and loved you make me feel… and I’m sorry I can’t give you everything you want.” By now I was sobbing. “And I am so, so sorry I hurt you. But at least I can set you free. I hope you find someone better than me, because you deserve that. I love you so much.”
I reached up and touched his face, then stood on my tiptoes and pulled him down to me. I kissed him passionately, knowing that this would be the last time.
I pulled away and looked at both of them, the tears blurring my eyes. “Goodbye.”
Then I turned and walked out of the room.
118
That was it. That was the grand plan. Ask for what I want – ask for what I needed – and if I didn’t get it, then walk away.
It hadn’t gone the way I’d hoped, so now it was time to exit.
I was bawling as I stumbled down the hallway. Part of me wondered if I was being foolish – actually, part of me was screaming,
Go back! Go back and choose one of them, you idiot!
But I didn’t, because everything I had said in that room was true. If I chose Derek, my heart would break over Ryan, and I would just be setting myself up for future misery when Derek cheated again. If I chose Ryan, then I was denying the part of me that desperately wanted to feel alive and free and wild.
The only reason to go back was to make do with a half-measure of happiness. That, and for the financial security. But I wasn’t a gold-digger. I couldn’t live with myself if I chose to stay because of money, and both of them deserved way better than that.
I would go back out into the world and make my own way.
In the end, I had myself – and that was enough.
I was almost to the elevator when I heard the door crash open and Derek yell, “KAITLYN – WAIT!”
Shit.
I jabbed the elevator button five or six times, fruitlessly praying that it would speed it up.
I heard footsteps running behind me, then felt a hand on my arm turning me around.
Derek was the one who grabbed me, but Ryan was right there behind him. Both of them were staring at me in absolute shock.
“What?!” I sobbed.
“You’re serious!”
