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I smudged the tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand. “Of course I’m serious!”
Derek looked back at Ryan. Something unsaid passed between them – and then Ryan turned to me. “Come back. We need to talk.”
I broke down. I couldn’t go back in there again. It had taken all of my strength just to walk away.
“I can’t… I meant what I said…”
“I know. Just come back and sit down and wait. Derek and I need to talk, but we can’t do that if we think you’re going to walk away and we can never see you again. Okay?”
My chest heaved violently, and I gave in. “…okay.”
Derek led me back gently to the room and set me down on the sofa. Ryan got me some wine and bottled water from the mini-bar.
“I don’t want that,” I said, looking at the tiny bottle of chardonnay.
“Then don’t worry about it,” Ryan said, but he left it there on the table beside me. Then he and Derek walked into one of the adjoining bedrooms.
Both of them looked back at me before they closed the door.
“Don’t go anywhere,” Derek said.
“I won’t,” I said, exhausted.
“Promise?” Ryan asked.
“I promise.”
He nodded soberly and shut the door.
119
A couple of times there was some angry shouting from the bedroom, but most of the talk was in hushed whispers. Under ordinary circumstances I might have been interested in eavesdropping, but I was so drained, I really couldn’t work up the enthusiasm. Besides, I knew what they were talking about: me.
And they talked for a looooong time.
After about ten minutes, I gave in and opened the wine. Like the classy lady I am, I swigged it right out of the bottle.
Twenty minutes later I was finished with the wine and had a nice buzz going – probably due to my exhaustion as much as the alcohol – when they finally walked out.
The stood in front of me, and this time it was me who waited anxiously.
“Well?” I finally asked.
“…okay,” Derek said.
My eyes almost bugged out of my head.
“What?!”
“I said okay.”
“I know what you said, but – ” I turned to Ryan. “You’re okay with this?”
He looked unhappy. “I wouldn’t call it ‘okay,’ but… I can’t lose you. I
won’t
lose you.”
“Same goes for me,” Derek agreed.
I sat there, mouth agape – and then I burst into tears.
“Are you alright?” Ryan asked, concerned. “I thought this was what you wanted.”
“It is, it is,” I sobbed, and got up and launched myself at both of them, putting an arm around each of their necks as I buried myself between them. “I’m just so happy…”
Derek laughed and pulled back so he could look me in the eyes. “Okay, so… how does this work?”
I sniffled and wiped the tears out of my eyes. “I… don’t know… I hadn’t gotten that far.” I tried to think out the details, but my brain wasn’t exactly working like normal. It was too overcome with relief and happiness – not to mention this was a really,
really
weird subject to be discussing. “Maybe Ryan and I will be together five nights a week, and you and I could be together two?”
Derek’s face immediately fell. “Two?! Why do I get two and he gets five?!”
“Because he’ll commit.”
“
I’ll
commit!”
I gave him a look like
Come ON.
“I
will!”
he insisted. “I can, and I will!”
I sighed and didn’t say anything.
“So because I fucked up once, I never, ever get another chance again?” he scowled. “There’s no chance to ever redeem myself, because you’re never going to forgive me?”
“I forgave you,” I said.
“Sure doesn’t
seem
like it.”
Ouch.
Shades of my conversation with my mother echoed in my ears.
It had taken me twelve years to fully forgive my mother.
It had only been a few months since Derek hurt me even worse than she did.
Could I forgive him?
I wanted to…
But could I?
I had thought of him as the scorpion for so long that, to be honest… I just didn’t know.
“I’ll try,” I said. “But… I need time. And I need to see from you that… that you really
have
changed.”
“Take all the time you need,” he said, then smiled playfully. “Well, maybe not
all
the time. But… I’ll do whatever I have to do, just as long as you really give me a chance.”
“…I’ll try,” I promised – and I meant it.
Ryan looked down, then back up shyly. “But… what about…”
He trailed off.
“What about what?” I asked.
“…what about the threesome part?”
I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.
In fact, between the wine and the emotional overload I’d been through, I was pretty sure I had just hallucinated that.
“…what?”
Derek half-smiled, half-frowned. “Isn’t that what you meant by you want us both at the same time?”
I could feel my cheeks immediately go to four-alarm fire status.
“WHAT?! NO! Oh my God, NO! I didn’t mean it like THAT! I meant – emotionally – like, relationship-wise – oh my God! NO!”
Both Derek and Ryan gave each other a funny look, like
Okay, didn’t expect to hear THAT.
“…really?” Derek asked with a grin.
