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And if I really do get the chance to speak to him, and I tell him the woman he wants to kill is already dead, what if he doesn’t care?I think.What if he attacks me anyway, before anyone gets a chance to intervene? There are so many variables, so many ways this could pan out …
‘You OK?’
I’m so lost in thought that the quiet question from Jess makes me jump.
‘Yes! Sorry, Jess. I was miles away.’
She smiles.
‘That’s all right. Look, let’s wrap this up. I’ll be in touch as soon as we have everything in place. I’ll speak to you later anyway, once I’ve got you that contact in Cardiff.’
‘Brilliant. Thanks, Jess.’
I walked to the police station earlier – it’s a mild, dry morning – and as I wander back past the Regency terraces of Lansdown Road, I breathe deeply and try to stay in the moment, admiring the daffodils bobbing their golden heads in the planters on Montpellier roundabout and telling myself there’s no point in worrying about what might be to come. The case has taken on a momentum of its own now, and I have to trust the process, trust the police, trust my own instincts. Trust that it will work out how it’s meant to work out. And if it all goes wrong, and I do actually die on the 1st of April … well, maybe that will be my punishment. Maybe that’s the price I’ll have to pay for all the lies I’ve told, the lie I live every single day.
So be it, I think.
As I turn right along Montpellier Terrace and decide to walk through the park instead of along the road as I head for home, though, I feel a little frisson of fear.
Can I really do this?
But I have to, don’t I? If we can catch this killer, it won’t make up for what I’ve done, but at least I’ll have helped in some small way to get justice for Lisa, for Jane, for David. Not quite redemption, but something close to it maybe. I take a deep breath, and cross the road into the park.
