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ZACH
She enters the room with hesitant steps when I open the door after her knock. This morning I had a faint recollection of last night. But I remembered one thing clear and stark, that I need to tell Hope.
I can no longer hide that…I love her.
On the day of our marriage, I promised her my honesty and it’s about time I tell her everything.
I had planned everything out. I was to pick her up from the mall and then drive her to the brownstone and tell her my truth.
I had a faint hope that she would accept me as such. But be it my luck, Vanessa spoiled everything. Her jealousy, her anger, came like a storm and killed all my dreams. But every word she spoke was the truth. I am a sex addict. For me, every woman is the same.
Except Hope. My Hopper.
She is my wife, my first love. She is the first woman I crave. When I am with her, it is not fucking but making love. And only with her do I know the difference between the two.
“It’s the truth,” I whisper.
“I didn’t hear a word that bitch said,” she says sitting on the other end of the couch.
Even now her words bring a smile on my face.
“Tell me, Zach. Help me understand.” I feel the couch shift as she turns to face me. But I keep my gaze fixed on the wall.
“I’ve been fighting this for a long time now. I know after this you might take Ray away from me. Take yourself away from me and never see me again. But I can’t run away from it anymore. I want to get more from this life, from our marriage, and I will tell you everything.”
I take a deep breath, pausing for a beat. My heart shrinks a little when she doesn’t say anything. When she doesn’t hold my hand and tell me that she’ll stay whatever be the case.
And why would she? We never vowed in front of a priest that we will be together as long as we both shall live. No, instead, I made her sign a paper and told her those are my vows.
Fucking insane.
“After my father’s death, my drug-addict mother moved in with her drug dealer. That guy was a…” I gulp as the familiar fear engulfs me. My hands freeze as I grip the leather seat of the couch. “Sick bastard. He tortured the three of us in different ways. He…abused me, physically.”
Since my teenage years I have not admitted this to anyone, but even now my chest heaves and my eyes burn.
“He would take me to his room at night and carry me back to mine the next morning because I couldn’t walk. It happened every night for several years. If I protested, he would lock me up without food and water. Hours later, I would be so hungry and tired that I would give in.” I shake my head, trying to forget that pathetic time of my life. “After my mother died, Zander somehow was able to call the police. We were sent to a group home for boys and Beast adopted us.”
She stays motionless and for a moment I worry if she’s even breathing. But then tears fall, making wet spots on her dress.
“Even after we were rescued, I couldn’t sleep at night for many years. I had this anxiety and fear that someone would come to me in the dark. Beast tried everything he could. He taught me kick boxing, arranged teachers for meditation, music, and all that crap, but nothing worked, and I stayed unhinged. My aggressive behavior increased as I grew more and more into my teenage years.” I shake my head as anxiety unfurls inside me.
“But on my first night in the university, along with some other boys, I crashed a frat party. I got shit drunk and slept with a girl. This was the first time when I willfully had sex. To be honest, this was something everybody, including my brothers, Beast, and my shrink thought would never happen. Everybody thought I would never have a physical relationship. Boy, how wrong everyone was.” I bark a loud laugh.
“To me it was a victory. I went to another party the next night, stayed sober and picked a girl. I remembered everything, and although it was awkward teenage sex, I had control on what was happening to my body. For a moment, before I found my release, I felt free for the first time in my life. It was that happy place where my music and meditation teachers were asking me to go, but I didn’t know what it was until then.” I grab my neck and look up at the ceiling, avoiding any eye contact with her. “I know I’m not making any sense, but there is no other way to describe it.”
I get up, restlessness coursing through me when she doesn’t say a word. I stand near the window overlooking the back gardens of The Ritz, which is slowly filling with the lunch crowd. “After that, I started spending every night with a girl. I avoided the ones who were looking for some nonsense boyfriend shit. I would often invite some chick I met outside the campus to my dorm room. I never went to any girl’s place. I still to this day can’t sleep in a foreign place. This is one reason why I have this room, so that I can spend the night in my suite upstairs. Even on business trips, my security sweeps the room if the hotel is new to me.”
My hands tighten around the metal window latch. “Continuing with the story, nothing changed. I had found my escape. Even though my brothers and Beast were not pleased with what I was doing, they chalked it up to my hormones and thought I would outlive this college phase. But it never happened. When I moved out of college and we started the company, I started hiring…hookers from a confidential company. This was going seamlessly until a few months back when you and Ray came into my life. Do you know how I met him?”
I finally turn around and find her gaze focused on my every move. My chest tightens at the sight of her wet and blotchy face with half-dried tears.
“I was coming back from Cherrywood when I found some teenagers chasing Ray and Mr. Stanley. After I dropped Ray at your doorstep, I couldn’t shut my eyes for a minute that night. His face was in front of me every time I tried to sleep. I felt like the same small boy left vulnerable to the world.”
She shakes with tremors for Ray or for me, or maybe for the both of us.
“Every evening I would feel this emptiness in my heart and a feeling of helplessness crawling up my spine.” I give her the blatant truth of my life. “But after standing at your doorstep, talking to Ray for mere seconds, knowing that he was safe, that anxiety would disappear. I didn’t feel this free…for as long as I can remember. Ray brought so much in my life, including hope. Hope for more.” I gulp loudly when her lip quivers and she looks at me through her shining green eyes. “I am sorry.”
“Why areyouapologizing?” She gets up and ambles to me while tears continue to run down her cheeks. “I am sorry for what you suffered, for what you went through as a child.” Her forehead rests against my hammering chest. For a second, I feel as if her tears can absolve my past and make me less of a fucked-up case.
