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"Are you not feeling well?"
"Mommy, I know what day it is," he said, and his little voice went so melancholy that my heart cracked in my chest.
I sighed, abandoning the pan in favor of making my way to my kids. Axel had already finished eating, because nothing could stop that boy from shoveling it into his mouth
Not even the anniversary of his father's death.
I walked around the kitchen island, needing to be within hugging distance for this conversation. "I think it's probably a good idea for you to go to school today." I knelt on the floor at his feet, taking his hands in mine and smiling through the tears burning my eyes. "You don't want to just sit at home and think about it, do you?"
"Could we go to the cemetery?" he asked, turning those deep blue eyes so like mine up to beg me.
"I tell you what," I murmured, reaching out to stroke my hand over the top of his head and brush his hair back from his face. He was due for a haircut, something I always did for him and Chad at the same time. Without Chad, it became a melancholy reminder that we both dreaded. "I have to go to the studio this morning and teach a class, but how about Ines and I pick you up after lunch? We'll go see your Dad and then get ice cream."
"Okay, mommy," he whispered, and I touched my forehead to his, sniffling back the tears one more time.
"That's my brave boy," I said, and I pulled back to stand. "Get your backpack ready for school, okay, Cookie?"
He nodded, darting into the living room to grab his stuff. I knew he needed the minute of privacy, knew that he felt like he needed to be stronger than ever without Chad. Axel became the man of the house at five, and he did the best he could to be older than he was. When I stepped around the corner of the island, Ines caught my eye. She furrowed her tiny brows in confusion and reached up a buttery hand to run her fingers through her hair. She was too young and could barely communicate with words, but she also made no secret of her not remembering her father well. There were moments when she saw Axel missing him, and I could see her trying to grasp what she didn’t have.
The reality that she wouldn't be likely to have any memories of her father when she was older was something I couldn't think about without breaking down. It echoed my motherless childhood too closely.
I missed my husband. I missed having a partner. But more than anything, I missed my kids having a father.
"You almost ready, Princess?" I asked her, finishing up the pan and turning her attention back to me. Her expression smoothed out, a bright smile transforming her heart-shaped face.
"Yes, mommy," she peeped, holding up her arms in her high chair. Taking the wet washcloth, I cleaned all the evidence of her breakfast from her face and out of her hair the best I could.
"Are you ready to go see your Grandpa?" I asked as I lifted her out of the chair and carried her into the living room where Axel waited. Hanging out with my dad at his garage had quickly become my little princess's favorite pastime, and I couldn't blame her. I'd spent many years watching him restore vintage cars and handing him tools, feeling like his little helper.
The absence of my mom made it necessary.
I knew my dad probably never expected he'd have to do it all over again with his granddaughter, but I also knew he loved Ines and Axel with everything he was. He would give anything to enjoy his time with them—even be less productive at the shop.
I helped Ines into her spring jacket, zipping her up and booping her nose so she giggled and filled the silence with just a little piece of joy.
I'd take whatever I could get that day.
As soon as I bundled her up, Axel stepped forward to take her little hand in his while I grabbed her bag of toys to play with for the few hours she would spend at the shop with her Grandpa. They stood by the door and waited patiently while I grabbed my purse, and then we were out for another hectic morning of drop-offs.
Axel held his sister tight until I got the car door open and hoisted her inside. Always her protector, it overjoyed me to see just how close they’d become in the absence of Chad. I loved that he stepped up to help with Ines. I just hated that it was necessary at all.
Perhaps it was time to consider Aunt Sigrid’s encouragement that the time had come to consider dating again. Even if the thought filled me with dread, didn’t I owe it to my son to give him a father figure? To let him sit back and be a kid again?
I did everything I could, but for a boy who’d been raised with a hero for a father, it just wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough, and I never would be. No matter how much I wanted to be.
Once I’d gotten Ines settled into her seat, I walked around to the driver’s side of the car and opened the backdoor to check that Axel fastened himself in correctly. He rolled his eyes at me. Always my independent man who knew he could do it himself. I checked every time anyway, because I would never forgive myself if I didn’t and something happened. He’d understand one day.
I pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek that made him groan. “Mommy,” he protested, wiping his cheek with the sleeve of his jacket furiously. Once I climbed in the front seat and started the car, music from Ines’s favorite princess movie immediately assaulted me, and Axel groaned again.
Backing out of the driveway while I changed it to the radio, Ines voiced her protest. “Princess, Mommy!”
“You know how it works, baby. You got the stereo yesterday. Today is Axel’s turn.” She pursed her little lips into a scowl as she glared at me, but I ignored it. I did not have time for a two-year-old tantrum today.
Nope.
I would not feed the terror that was my toddler.
