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Jaw clenching, I turned away and started to move over to the window in the waiting room, but Jake had stirred at Senior’s call so I walked over to Jen and hauled him into my arms. He nestled against me, almost immediately falling back to sleep.
I clung to him as much as he clung to me, well aware that this might be the last fucking time Aoife let me anywhere near him.
Christ, we’d lost our baby because of the shit I’d put her through these past couple days… I had to… We needed to…
Fuck, I didn’t know what to do.
I’d decided that I’d just carry on with life. Let her do her shit. I’d do mine. Eventually, she’d come around, right? She had to. But now, this was different.
We’d lost our child because of my bullshit.
I had to pay for that sin.
Squeezing Jake, I pressed my lips to his temple and breathed in his baby scent. It was a combo of baby shampoo and wipes and that sickly sweet softener that Aoife used for his clothes.
I wasn’t sure how I’d cope not seeing him every day and every night, but if Aoife tossed my ass out...
With my back to the waiting room, I didn’t see the doctor come in, but I heard footsteps.
Turning around to face him, I saw the combination of anger and fear in his expression—a sight I was accustomed to seeing when Senior waded into any given situation—and demanded, “How is she?”
When I stepped over to him, he backed down the hallway, and I moved with him, seeing that he wanted privacy.
“She’s stable. It took some time because there were complications—”
“What kind of complications?” Lena asked, slipping beside me.
She had no right to be here, but when her hand found mine, nonetheless, I clung to her.
“More blood loss than anticipated in situations like these. With your wife’s medical history, we were fortunate that we didn’t have to give her an emergency hysterectomy.
“After speaking with her OBGYN, I understand that she advised this pregnancy be terminated, Mr. O’Grady.” He cast a disparaging glance at me. “Everyone knows your family is Catholic, but when a doctor advises a termination, religion shouldn’t be a part of the decision.”
As I tried to process what he'd just told me, all I could think to say was, “The baby was…”
Lena squeezed my hand. “The pregnancy wasn’t viable, Finn. Aoife found out that day you… she…” She sighed miserably. “You know, that day.”
I tipped up my chin and untangled my fingers from hers.
Of course.
Of course, fate would be so fucking kind as to have my wife discover the truth about our baby on the day that I confessed all my sins.
I held it together for as long as the doctor explained how the next few hours were shaped, what would happen and when I’d be able to see her, and the second he left, I turned to Lena and demanded, “You knew?”
She shot me a commiserating glance. “I did.”
Jaw clenched, I rasped, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because not only was it not for me to share, but I didn't have the opportunity to talk to you anyway.”
She’d called several times since Aoife had thrown her out of our home, but I’d let the phone ring off on each occasion. I owed Aoife that and a hell of a lot more.
Even this, now, was a betrayal.
I rubbed a hand over my face. “What the fuck am I going to do, Lena?”
She hesitated a second, but then she rubbed my arm. “Miscarriages… men treat them like they don’t matter, but you have to understand, son, that they do.
