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"No. The second. The first was your wedding night."
"I knew it," Charlottes states. "I know they were not gonna let you stay in their room all night without seducing the hell out of you."
I throw my head back in laughter. "Jeremiah answered the door shirtless, so yeah, I would say it started from the moment I walked in."
"You spent the night," Sophie begins, and I can already see the hope blooming in her eyes. "Does that mean—"
I shake my head. "It doesn't mean anything. They promised me breakfast and doughnuts. I was practically bribed."
"Mmhmm." Charlotte grins. "Keep telling yourself that."
"You know I do not do anything more than sex, Char."
Why does it feel like such a lie when I say it this time? More like...a reminder to myself.
"As of before last night, you didn't do sleepovers, either," she points out.
"And Jer and Zek know that?" Sophie asks. "That it's nothing more. Because from the way they're always staring as you, I would think they want more."
"When I mentioned me staying the night maybe crossing some boundaries last night, Ezekiel was the one who said any type of feeling would be a bad thing, so." I shrug. "I guess they agree."
"Why are you scowling when you say that, though?" Charlotte smirks.
I don't notice it until she says it. "Why are you reading too much into everything? We agreed it's sex and nothing more. And that's it."
"Well then, by all means," Sophie says, leaning forward. "Let's get to that part. If I recall from the party, this was your fantasy, right?"
I smile. "Let's just say they lived up to what I had in my mind."
Charlotte gasps. "Are you...not kissing and telling? Oh, my God, hell has frozen over, Soph. I think Lexa here is already head over heels in love."
The word makes me wince and they laugh harder.
"Don't make her throat close up," Sophie jokes. "You know she's allergic to that word."
"I think she'll come around," Charlotte says. "Or a certain two men will bring her around."
"I am, and will stay, firmly on the love is a cruel, soul-eating disease side. Thank you very much. Just because you two let yourselves get infected doesn't mean I'll contract it as well."
"Contract?" Sophie exclaims.
Her and Charlotte are laughing so hard they're holding their stomachs at this point. I roll my eyes at them.
"I cannot stand either of you." I chuckle.
"Seriously though, Lexa, this whole love thing isn't as bad as you think," Sophie states. "Not like me or Char were looking for it, but here we are now. In love and happy. I know you haven't had the best example with your mom, but there is another side to it."
"I know that, I do. But the issue is you only find out which side you've ended up on after you've fallen in love. And by then, it's too late. Your heart can either be made whole or broken entirely. And I'm not taking that chance. I've seen, way too many times to count, what taking that chance could cost you."
"But if you felt something for them," Charlotte begins softly, like she knows she's broaching a subject I would rather we'd ended minutes ago, "would you let yourself feel it?"
"I don't know," I say. "I've never really had this dilemma before. I've never had to convince myself not to feel for somebody. It was just easy not to, you know? I didn't need to keep reminding myself not to let my heart have any say."
"But you do now?" Sophie asks.
My eyes widen as I realize what I've just admitted. The feelings I've just spoken to them, and myself. It makes me dizzy for a moment and I have to grip the end of the table to keep myself steady.
"I do," I speak hoarsely. "I hate it. I hate feeling so...unsure of everything. Questioning what I should and shouldn't allow myself to feel. It's new, and it's driving me crazy. I think about them too much. I'm too curious, and want to know too much. I'm—"
