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"I love you, Lexa, so if you think I'm just going to give up and let you slip away from me, you're wrong. I'll be damned if I don't have you for the rest of my life."
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, determined for the tears to stay behind my closed lids.
"And you know I love you. You know I want the same." As scary as that is to admit to someone who I am sure I won't get to spend the rest of my life with. "But it has to be you, me, and Ezekiel. We both know it can't be any other way. I love you both. I won't choose, and I won't make you choose between me and your brother."
"Do you know what it does to me to hear you say those words?"
I smile. "Well, make you love me even more, of course."
He chuckles, the sound vibrating against me. "Correct."
"Are we just breaking each other's hearts more by saying all of this?"
I feel his chin move on the top of my head from side to side as he shakes his head. "No, because I know it won't be long now."
My brows furrow. "What do you mean?"
"I know my brother. He's dumb until he's smart enough to stop being dumb. And I know if I miss you this much, then so does he."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Then, why is he walking towards us right now?"
I hurry to look over my shoulder, and sure enough, Ezekiel is coming. He looks hesitant, like he thinks I'll walk away, shun him. Maybe I should, but I'm far too curious about what he has to say.
"Mind if I cut in?" he asks Jeremiah.
"Not at all."
Jeremiah leans down to kiss my cheek, but I turn my head instead, unable to resist the pull of feeling his lips against mine again. Even if it might be the last time. When he backs away, his smile tells me he won't let it be. Ezekiel takes my hand, his free arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close. He doesn't try to tuck me into his body, but he keeps us so that my eyes are staring into his as he looks down at me. Again, neither of us says a word, but unlike with Jeremiah, where I remembered, savored, and tried not to think of it as mourning what I'd never have, with Ezekiel, it's waiting and hoping, for what he'll say, what he'll do. It feels like everything has led to this. His words, his absence, what happened at the gym, the change in him I've seen tonight. All leading to this moment where his hands are on me, we're staring into each other's eyes, and my heart is thundering in my chest wondering if this is a new beginning or the end.
Maybe he'll admit that he can't trust me, that even if I am what he wants, he's not in a place to give me what I want. Maybe he's looked inside of his heart and found me there, at least enough to think with that instead of his confused mind. Maybe I can forgive him, decide to go on like this past week hasn't happened. His throat bobs with his swallow and he takes a deep breath, and I know this is it.
"I'm sorry, Lexa. I would say that's the best place to start. I'm sorry."
"I would agree with you there."
He nods. "From the very beginning, when we started and we all said this would be just sex, it was easy to pretend I didn't already feel more for you than I wanted to. It allowed me to put what I felt aside, but even then, my feelings grew and grew, scaring me more and more each time I dared to think about them. I went from wanting you to yearning for you, from yearning for you to needing you. It scared the shit out of me, Lexa. That I could care for you so much and end up broken hearted. That you could decide to walk away from Jer and I, and I'd be left feeling abandoned, empty. Then, it became clear that you wanted to be with us, but it only made me more afraid because here it was, the opportunity to have what I've always wanted. A woman Jeremiah and I both wanted to be with. A woman who wanted us both. I started to doubt myself, doubt you. Could you really truly want us? Could you deal with the way people would look at us, talk about us, the explanations people would feel they had a right to demand when they realized we were together? I doubted if we would be enough for you down the line, or if the pressure to have anormalrelationship would cause you to end up leaving us. I don't really know any other way to describe all that was going on in my mind other than I was afraid, Lexa."
"I know what it is to be afraid of what you feel, Ezekiel," I say low, because that is a fear I can relate to more than anything.
"I know you can." His hand leaves mine to stroke down my cheek. "And I only seemed to confirm those fears, didn't I?"
I look away, because without anger filling me, I find I don't want to answer him and make him feel worse, but he turns my head until I'm looking at him again.
"I'm sorry, Lexa. I wish I could go back. I wish I could take the words back. Wish I could have gotten out of my own head sooner to realize I was hurting your heart. I really wish I could have just told you how I felt and what my fears were instead of acting on them instead."
"And how...how do you feel?"
He gives me a small smile while using his arm around my waist to pull me closer to him. "I love you. Did I forget to say that in all of this?"
"You did," I whisper.
I don't think I can speak much louder, not over his words echoing in my head, or over the thumping of my heart. He brings his face close to mine, nose grazing my own.
"Well, then let me make sure you hear me loud and clear." He trails his nose along my cheek until his mouth is at my ear. "I love you, Lexa. I have loved you for longer than I was brave enough to admit and will love you for longer than this lifetime can give me."
A shaky breath leaves me as he backs up so we're eye to eye again.
