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I could totally see myself working here when I turn sixteen in the spring. I love sports, and it seems the owners do, too.
“Are you, um, having a nice time?”
The question slams into me from my left. Rob sounds slightly breathless and like every quietly uttered word causes him great pain.
He’s shoved against the wall. I’ve been doing my best to ignore his close proximity. Trying to focus on the conversation going on around me has been difficult because every time he breathes, I can. Feel. It.
My body is practically plastered against Mike on my right, but heat radiates from Rob and seeps into my skin, chasing away the winter chill. It’s taking every ounce of my willpower not to cave and relax against his side. How creepy would it be for me to sniff him? The faint scent of his cologne fights for dominance over the other smells of the diner, and I really want to confirm it’s Rob who’s making my mouth water.
“Yeah. It’s really…neat in here.”
Oh my God. Did I just say “neat?” I sound like a child from a sitcom.
He doesn’t seem to notice my idiocy, just gives me a curious look. “You’ve never been here before?”
This is probably the first time he’s looked at me since we arrived, but the weight of his beautiful eyes coupled with his genuinely curious tone forces my gaze to my lap. I feel so inadequate all of a sudden.
“Um, no. I don’t really go out all that much.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right.” He seems to be talking to himself more than me now. “I remember hearing you tell Jake that.” His expression turns sheepish, and his cheeks redden. “I’m sorry. I swear I’m not trying to, um, overhear your conversations. It’s just you two sit right in front of me, and I can’t help but hear all the stuff he asks you, and he really asks you a lot, so…uh. He thinks of really interesting stuff to talk about, so I guess I pay attention…”
He trails off as his mouth turns down in a grimace, and he averts his gaze to the table.
His admission about eavesdropping on my conversations with my chemistry lab partner sends my pulse racing. Just as quickly as my excitement builds, doubt creeps in. Puzzle pieces about his behavior over the past year and a half begin to fall into place. I mean, sure, he sits right behind me in chem, so it’s possible he just overheard us talking, but that would mean he’s ignoring his own lab partner in class. And—by his own admission—it seems like he’s more focused on Jake’s constant interrogations than my answers. Suddenly, what Alyssa told me of people making assumptions about my sexuality slaps me in the face.
Oh God, how could I have been so stupid?
That’swhy Rob always seems so uncomfortable with the girls who are constantly trying to get his attention at school. That’s why I thought the very first time I met him that he seemed so different than most of the boys I know. That’s why he didn’t feel threatening or scary to me. That’s why I can never seem to catch his eye or get him to talk to me.
Swallowing my own disappointment, I can’t help but rush to set the record straight. “I mean, yeah, he does think of really interesting stuff to ask, but maybe you could take over answering some of his questions? I mean, he never even remembers the answers I give him anyway. And that’s okay, honestly, because he’s not really my type, and I feel like I’m just patronizing him by responding.”
Rob lifts his gaze to me. A small smile deepens the dimple in his right cheek.
God, he’s so beautiful, and life is so unfair.
All I’ve ever wanted is to mean something to him. If all I can be is a matchmaker, then I’ll take it. So, I rush on. “I promise I’m not interested in him that way.”
His smile grows, and his eyes seem to change color in an instant. Is it strange that my heart both breaks and sings at the same time?
“I wasn’t trying to step on your toes or anything. I don’t know Jake very well, but I’m sure he and I aren’t compatible, so you should totally go for it.”
Across the table, Alex chokes and sputters on his drink. “Jesus, Rob’s not gay!”
He and Jeremy howl so loud, several other customers stare at our table. I cut my gaze to the side to see Rob completely red-faced and staring at the table, mortified.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I fire back. “I thought he was your friend? You act like he’s an axe murderer or something! He’s allowed to be gay, you assholes.”
Alex is laughing so hard, tears form in his eyes. “Nope. No assholes for our boy. No dicks either. He’s all about the pussy.”
“A very particular pussy in fact,” Jeremy chimes in between gasps.
Bekah smacks Alex in the chest, but Alyssa just rolls her eyes at the crass language her boyfriend spewed out like it’s no big deal.
The really disturbing part isn’t their words though. No, words only hold the power we give them. And these guys are talking like vaginas are the only thing women are worth. It’s beyond disgusting. Their statements pretty much equate homosexual men with being less than—on par with their view of women. It’s hard enough being a modern woman, trying to make a way in the world, while overcoming these beliefs. I can’t even fathom the amount of mental fortitude and strength it takes to come out as a gay man, exposing oneself to not only homophobia, but also an essential demotion of personhood by being equated to nothing more than a hole for someone to stick it into. Maybe if society was a little less focused on sex and hedonistic instant gratification, we could have more open discussions about celebrating our differences. It’s no wonder Rob looks like he’s going to puke beside me.
Oh my God, why am I defending the guy who I’m heartbroken over for not being straight? It’s none of my damn business. What is even going on in my head tonight? Gay or not, Rob Falls does something to my brain. Like completely shorts it out.
“He’s not gay, Evie,” Mike mutters beside me. With far more tact than Alex or Jeremy had.
