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Alex gags. Gags so violently that he leans over the railing in case he actually blows chunks. After several deep breaths, he straightens. “Wait a minute. How would you even know that unless…”
“No. You didn’t.” Mike shakes his head rapidly, his eyes still bugging out. “That’s how you got her boobs to be the same size again? You sucked on one ‘til you cleared the blockage? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I shrug, wearing what I hope is my most angelic expression. I’m surprised horns haven’t popped out of my head as deliciously evil as I feel. “Hey, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Evie and Robbie. It’s all part of the husband/father gig. You’re the ones who were always telling me to man up. I have. Even when it’s not pretty or tastes and smells awful, I do what I have to do for them.”
Alex crouches, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet while he cradles his head in his hands. “I can’t do this. I’m not built for this life. I don’t wanna see Amira drop a load in the delivery room. I’m never going to suck a tit again because I can’t get the mental image of you with a mouthful of spoiled, chunky milk out of my head. They showed us those videos in health class of blood and screaming and a monster popping out of a pussy, but I didn’t have to smell it! I like sex! I fucking love it! I can’t go the rest of my life without it!”
“You’re not going to miss it,” I promise, barely holding in my laughter. “All you’ll be able to think about is how much you miss sleep.”
Mike looks conflicted. He’s a good guy, and he’ll make a great father and husband. He’s definitely panicking now though. His eyes dart back and forth like he’s playing out a vision of his future in his mind. “Robbie’s almost six months old. Are you telling me he still doesn’t sleep through the night? You and Evie don’t have sex anymore? Ever?”
“God, no.” I pause and bite my tongue, breathing deep to keep myself in check. “My son’s giant head ripped her open. That’s why she almost died. Because of his big brain. As proud as I am that he inherited something good from me, Evie and I can’t have sex ever again.”
I’m practically wheezing. Tears sting my eyes.
Mike latches onto my shoulders. His eyes are never going to go back to their normal size. “I can’t go the rest of my life without sex either!”
“You see!” Alex throws an arm out toward Mike. “If he can’t do it, how the hell am I supposed to do it? This isn’t natural, Rob!”
I can’t hold it in anymore. I laugh so hard that I shake off Mike’s hold.
“You fucking asshole,” he mutters. “You’ve been screwing with us all along.”
“So worth it,” I gasp. “You should have seen your faces.”
“Fuck you and your perfect fucking life, Falls,” Alex shouts. “Not all of us are so lucky!”
We clam up when the French doors open.
Evie pokes her head out with a raised eyebrow. “Everything good?”
“So good, baby.” I laugh some more.
Alex gets that gleam in his eyes. The one he hasn’t had all day. The one that lets me know he’s going to do something stupid. “Real good, baby. So good that your devoted husband, here, has just been telling us all about how you shit on the delivery table. He said he still can’t get the smell out of his nose.”
Evie steps fully onto the deck, closing the door behind her. She shrugs. “That’s fair. I have to smell the aroma of his morning shits for a solid hour in our bedroom after he leaves for work every day.”
I’m going to get a stomach cramp from laughing so hard. If Alex was hoping to poke the bear, I have bad news for him. Evie and I are a team.
She turns toward me with her patented fake glare that she inherited from her grandfather. She tries so hard. It’s adorable. “There’s spray on the shelf for a reason. You should learn to use it.”
“I figure if I leave something behind, you won’t have to miss me for as long until I come home,” I respond.
Mike squints at me then turns his attention to Evie. “Did he really suck on you until he cleared your blocked milk duct? He said it tasted like curdled milk.”
Et tu, Mitchell?
She shrugs again. “I’m supposed to feel bad about that? Do you guys have any idea how bad semen tastes? It’s like, like…liquified sardines.”
Alex spits out his expensive Scotch. “Well, pussy doesn’t taste as good as we make you think it does either!”
“I’m not siding with that,” Mike says in a rush.
“Nope. Me neither,” I agree.
“Maybe if you weren’t eating cheap pussy all the time, you wouldn’t have complaints about the taste.” Evie points at Alex then turns her pointy finger toward me. “And I am never asking you for help again.”
“Please,” I scoff. I know a bluff when I hear one. “Next time, you won’t even bother with hot compresses and extra pumping. You’ll come to me first.”
