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Rose
Istared out the window as we drove to the gala. I hated the dress I was wearing, and the fur coat that accompanied it. Didn’t fur go out of style a long time ago? I felt James’s fingers brush against mine and I jerked my hand away. I couldn’t look at him right now. The things he said to my boss…it was mortifying, especially when I had such great news today. I had been going out with Charlie to meet with clients over the past few weeks, not that James knew anything about that. I told him, but as usual, he was too wrapped up in his work to listen to me. And today, Mark formally offered me a job.
I should be happy right now, telling my husband about this amazing opportunity I’d found. He should be kissing me and telling me how proud he is of me, but instead, there was an ocean between us. Like everything in our lives, I could feel the sands shifting beneath us. I thought James was working to find a way out of this contract, but if I brought it up with him, he just shut down on me. I was beginning to think he liked his new life just a little too much. Gone was the man I fell in love with, and what sat in his place was a replica of him, without thought or feeling.
“Rose,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry. I know I…I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“Then why did you?” I asked calmly, still staring out the window. I couldn’t look at him. It was bad enough I had to fake it tonight with him.
When he didn’t say anything, I looked over at him. He stared out his window, his elbow resting on the window as he ran his thumb over his lip thoughtfully. My mind flashed back to the day he dropped me at the airport, how he wore the same look on his face.
“I don’t mean to hurt you,” he said quietly. “I hate the man I am. It’s why I never wanted to come back here.”
He finally turned and looked at me. I could see the regret in his eyes, the hate over our situation. I reached across the seat and grasped his hand, squeezing it tightly.
“James…”
“Don’t give up on me, Rose. I’m trying. I swear to God, I will find a way out of this.”
I swallowed hard and looked down at our joined hands, but part of me wondered if it was already too late. I wished more than anything that we could just leave this all behind, but the contract we signed made that impossible.
Tears filled my eyes, but I blinked them back. “I’m trying to hold on, but you’re just so angry all the time. You don’t look at me like you used to. You don’t believe in me anymore.”
“I do,” he insisted.
“If you did, you wouldn’t have walked into my office and said those horrible things to my boss.”
“I don’t like to see you being used.”
I pursed my lips, feeling the anger rise inside me again, but I tamped in down. “I was officially offered a position at the company today, three months ahead of the end of my internship.” I smiled slightly, but it wobbled as I felt the tears once again emerge. “This is not the celebration I thought we’d be having.”
Slipping my hand from his, I turned away once again. Everything in me said to fight for him, but I was hurt, and I didn’t know what more to say. My marriage was crumpling just as I found a job I loved.
We arrived at the gala and the driver came around to open the door. I quickly checked my makeup and slipped my mirror back inside my purse. I glanced at James and gave a tight smile. It didn’t matter if I was dying inside, on the outside, everyone would think our marriage was perfect and we were madly in love. Plenty of people faked it, why should it be any different for us?
James got out first, buttoning his jacket as he stepped out and raised a hand at the waiting paparazzi. He turned back to me and held out his hand. As if in slow motion, I looked up at him as I placed my hand in his. For just a second, we were back on that island. He smiled down at me and happiness filled me. I returned his smile and stepped out of the car, my gold dress billowing around me as I stood. And then time sped up. Reality slammed into me as he took my hand and hooked it in his arm. Camera flashes blinded me and I was jolted into the present. My smile faltered for just a second, but then I pulled my shoulders back and put on my best fake face.
Raising my hand, I waved to the crowd, listening to them shout questions at us. James led me up the stairs at a slower pace than I would have wanted, but I suppose he was trying to make this all look so natural. When we finally walked through the doors, I pulled my hand from his arm and headed for the bathrooms off to the side. Shoving the door open, I stood in the empty bathroom and leaned against the counter, just breathing. I could feel a panic attack coming on, the racing of my heart, and the sweat dampening my neck. Dizziness made my vision swim as I sucked in another deep breath. Nausea swam in my stomach as I grasped to hang on to reality. I squeezed my eyes shut and fought to count my senses as my breathing turned ragged. I was lost in the panic, unable to pull myself out. I was slowly drowning, and I couldn’t save myself.
“Rose,” a voice pulled at me. Then hands were grasping my arms and turning me. I looked up into those brown eyes that captured me so long ago. Now, they only looked at me in concern. “Breathe,” he commanded.
I wanted to desperately, but I couldn’t drag myself out of this hell. He shook me slightly, his eyes growing more panicked by the second.
“Come on, Rose. Take a deep breath. You can do this.”
I sucked in a ragged breath, the air burning as it entered my lungs. He nodded to me, repeating his command. I did it again and again, taking the air in until it didn’t hurt so much. Tears filled my eyes as his face morphed from concern into sadness. His hand cupped my cheek as he swallowed hard, pulling me against him. I clung to him like he was my life support, holding me up when I would have fallen. The damn broke and I cried against his tux, the overwhelming emotions spilling out of me. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t live this life that I hated so much. It was slowly killing me.
“You’re okay,” he murmured against my hair. But was I? As I stood there in his arms, I wondered how long it would be before this life sucked every ounce of joy from me. Not even my job would be able to save me then.
I stepped back from him, sucking in a deep breath to keep the tears from emerging again. I swiped at my face, knowing my makeup was ruined now. His tux was damp from my tears, and I pulled out a handkerchief from my purse to dab at it. He grabbed my hand, stilling the movements.
“Has this happened before?” he asked quietly.
I thought about lying to him, but decided there was no point. This would only get worse if we continued to come to these events. I gave a jerky nod.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I could handle it,” I admitted quietly.
