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I looked up at her sharply, surprised she even considered that an option. “Yes,” I said hesitantly. “But where would that leave me? If I choose to divorce him, I would get nothing.”
“But you said you were hired officially yesterday.”
“Yes, but I haven’t actually gotten a paycheck yet. Living in New York is freaking expensive, my apartment isn’t actually in my name, and I’m not sure I could survive without financial support right now.”
“Do you really think James would leave you without a dime?”
No, I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t know that I could bank on that either. “Even if he were to support me, I’m not sure divorce is the option.”
She sighed heavily, “Look, I’m not telling you to leave him. But I see how unhappy you are. It hasn’t even been a year yet. Are you telling me you can make it through five years of this? And what about the kid stipulation?”
“I don’t know, Clarissa. Believe me, I’ve thought that divorce might be the easier option, but then I remember that it’s James. The same man I fell in love with. The man that just months ago I thought I could never live without. How do I decide to leave him now?”
“I think the better question is, would it hurt more to leave him now or in five years when you have kids? They change everything. I know you, Wally. You’re not going to leave him once you have kids. You’ll be miserable for the rest of your life so your kids don’t have to go through a divorce.”
“So, you think I should leave him,” I stated.
“I don’t think anything. I’m on your side, whatever you decide. I can’t tell you what you can take or if you’ll survive five years of this.”
I wished someone could tell me what to do. For once in my life, no one was saying a word, and now when I desperately needed advice, I found myself all alone. Clarissa was always there playing devil’s advocate, but she was very good about never telling me what to do.
Tears pricked my eyes as I thought of leaving James behind. I rubbed at my chest, thinking of spending my nights alone and never seeing his face again. It was just as painful as the first time I left him.
“I can’t do it,” I gasped. “I can’t leave him.”
She leaned forward and grasped my hand. “I know, Wally.”
