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“You were trying to protect your heart,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around me.
“It’s broken, anyway.”
She pulls me off the stool and into a tight hug. “We can’t prevent the hard things. We can only walk through them and try to learn. Try to grow. It takes time, but we can heal. You have an entire family of people here to support you, you just have to let them.”
She holds me as I finally allow myself to fall apart.
“Letting people in is… too much,” I mutter through tears.
“I know it’s hard. Especially when you’ve been hurt.”
I appreciate that she doesn’t try to force me to figure anything out or make any decisions. She lets me get it all out, no judgment.
Maybethisis why I came here.
After crying in Veronica’s arms for a while, we pivoted and started decorating for Halloween. After an hour-and-a-half, I was wiped out. She sent me to my room with some tea to rest or take a nap.
The tea is cold now, and I’m lying on my side on the bed, thinking over everything that has happened. No. I’m thinking about one person.
Nick.
I haven’t said it yet, but I know he’s it for me. The love of my life. The way he stood on the porch, refusing to walk away from me…
I was angry at the time. Annoyed by his persistence and how easily he could chip away at my armor. I guess I’m still angry now, but it’s at myself for letting him go.
I drop my hand over my stomach. “I’m sorry, baby. You have the best daddy in the world and mommy is screwing it up.”
Even parents make mistakes.
Ugh. No. My mother made more than mistakes, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t worthy of my forgiveness. That’s a demon I’m going to have to wrestle with for a while.
I shake my head as my mind returns to Nick. I should call him, go see him, something… but I’m not ready yet.
Instead, as some form of punishment, I grab my phone and listen to Nick’s voicemails. I saved every one. They’re the best part of my day. His voice—even on a voicemail—soothes my soul.
Tell him that.
Tears leak from my eyes, despite my best attempts to stop them.
Why am I so stubborn? Why do I feel like this?
I’m over all the pain and bullshit. I want to feel better. Preferably with as little effort and struggle on my part as possible.
More tears roll down my cheeks as I listen to Nick’s smooth voice.
Yeah right.I dug myself a deep hole. Now I have to put in the effort and climb out.
Eventually.
