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Maia
I’m surrounded by penis balloons.
I shouldn’t be surprised. This is what happens when Leigh, Jenna, and my mother plan a bachelorette party. My mom can be strict about some things, but she has a raunchy side. Which is obvious when she hoots with laughter at a very dirty joke. It’s moments like these when I’m reminded what a perfect match she and James are.
We’re in a luxury suite at a local hotel where we’re having a fancy catered dinner. With a side of penis. Penis balloons, penis whistles, and penis cookies. The poor guy who delivered our food is going to be traumatized forever.
But I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. We started the afternoon with massages and face scrubs—note that I refuse to call them facials.Notat a bachelorette party.
After dinner, my mom, Marie, Lara, and Meredith are leaving, but right now, we’re playing a sexual questions version of Never Have I Ever. I’ve learned some things I did not need to know.
Besides Leigh, Jenna, and the moms, a bunch of our friends from school are here, too. I realize now that other than Leigh, I didn’t have any female friends in my grade. And the ones I do have, I kinda stole from Nick. But I don’t mind, because they’re awesome.
Leading the game is the incredibly raunchy Hyla—Trevor’s best friend. Also in attendance are her good friends, Jenny, Rae and Sarah McKinley, and Mackenzie Montoya. It’s a good group with just the right amount of fun and relaxed vibes.
“Okay, next question.” Hyla reads the card then busts out laughing. “Sorry,” she says between giggles, “you’ll get it in a second. Whew. Okay. Never have I ever… taken a pregnancy test.”
The whole suite erupts in laughter. Leigh and I look at each other and take big gulps of our cream soda—yes, we’re behaving ourselves tonight.
“All right, since we all knew the answer to that one, let’s continue. Never have I ever showered with someone of the opposite sex.”
Jenna, Leigh, and I laugh and clink our glasses together before taking a sip. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Rae covertly take a sip. Sarah eyes her then smirks—Rae’s going to be answering for that later.
“Last one,” Hyla says, waving the card in the air. “Never have I ever worn edible underwear—and let someone eat it off me.”
Hyla’s eyes widen as an “ooh” rolls through the room. We all watch carefully. Sarah drinks. Not a surprise. Then—trying not to be noticed—Marie takes a sip. But when Lara takes a sip, I almost lose it. I don’t need to know that about my dad! Gross.
I’m over this game now.
“The object of the game is simple,” Rae instructs—she took over being ringleader for Hyla, who wanted to get in on this game. “Pass the penis balloon from person to person. Whoever is holding it when the music stops is out. Oh, and did I mention you can only pass it between your knees?” She gives a cheeky smile. “Get ready, get set, don’t get caught with a penis between your legs.” We’re all laughing at that when she shouts, “Go!” and turns on the music.
We go through round after round of stopping and starting music and hysterical laughter, until it’s down to just Leigh and me.
This is ridiculous. And hilarious. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect from this party, but I’ve had a ton of fun.
Leigh and I laugh and screech as we pass it back and forth until finally the music stops. And I am the lucky winner of… a bouquet of penis cake pops.
Who the hell knew that was a thing?
Kinda brilliant though.
I decide to share with everyone else, so we all munch on penises while I open my gifts.
These range from the aforementioned edible underwear, to sexy IOU love notes, to some lace lingerie for the wedding, to a freaking cock ring.
A cock ring.
That I can’t wait to use.
Mmm.
I wonder what Vince is doing right now. Could he sneak away so we could have a little—
“Maia?”
I snap back to reality in time to say goodbye to all the girls besides Jenna and Leigh.
“What were you thinking about?” Leigh teases after they’ve gone.
