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I turn and sprint down the hall, letter still in my hand. Tearing into my room, I yank open my desk drawer and pull out the other letter she sent me.
Mijita,
Oh, my sweet Leigh, this letter is so long overdue, but please know, these are the words that have been in my heart for a long time. Too long. I love you so much, and I know I’ve hurt you. I probably don’t understand how much—and I’m sorry for all of it. You deserve better than that, than me. I’m certain my mother has given it to you.
I’m writing to you now to let you know I’m in rehab. Voluntarily. You’ve been on my mind so much over these last two weeks. I’m at a live-in center that’s helping me get the treatment I need. I’m lucky to have access to this place. After I spend ninety days here, I’ll be moved to live with one of their volunteers who will help me with the process of staying sober over the following few months. After that—I’m not sure exactly when it will be—I want to come home to you.
I know that’s a big statement. I know I’ve made you promises before and I haven’t kept them. I won’t do that this time. But it’s what I hope to do. I don’t want to miss out on any more of your life. Abuelita said you didn’t want me to call you. I’m trying to respect that, but I needed to take a chance and hope that maybe you’ll read this.
Hope is my lifeline these days. I don’t know what’s going to happen. This is hard and scary and I feel very alone some days, but I’ve started talking to Abuelita each week and that helps. I miss you both. I’m going to leave my phone number for my room here at the bottom of the letter. If you read this and are open to talking, please call me.
I love you so much and I—I can’t wait to see the woman you’ve grown into. I’m proud of you.
With all my love,
Mom
Hot tears burn my cheeks.
She was in rehab? That’s why she didn’t come home? She was trying to be stronger? Why didn’t Abuelita tell me? And… what happened?
I grab the other letter and start reading. It’s shorter.
Leigh,
My beautiful girl. Your grandmother mentioned you hadn’t read my last letter. I don’t know if you’ll read this one. But I had to send it to you. I’m finally ready to come home! After finishing rehab, I moved in with a wonderful woman named Sandy. She volunteers for the facility I completed my rehab with. She has helped me stay sober and accountable as I’ve transitioned back into my life. She’s a retired nurse, and she reminds me so much of your Abuelita, except she’s a tiny Irish woman—but she’s got that same spirit.
I’ve spent the past two days packing. I haven’t even told Abuelita I’m coming. For once, I want my presence to be a beautiful surprise. I hope it will be. I’m nervous. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so nervous before, except maybe when I was pregnant with you.
Speaking of which, congratulations! I’m so excited for you. A boy… a sweet little boy to love on. I can’t wait to meet him. I love you, my sweet girl. I’ll see you soon, maybe even before this letter arrives.
Love you so much,
Mom
What happened? What the fuck happened?! My body shakes with violent sobs as my soul shatters. She was coming home? She wanted us?
Just like always she didn’t manage to show up.
But…fuck!
How could Abuelita not tell me what she was planning? That she was fighting? That she wanted to come home! Maybe if she’d known I wanted her here—
I wanted her here?
Of course, I did.
That’s all I ever wanted—for her to choose me.
For once, she was actually trying? And now?
I didn’t get to tell her I wanted her here. I—I—
I can’t trustanyone.
Abuelita didn’t tell me?
Now my mother’s gone. She still couldn’t quite make it through her demons.
