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“But—”
“He’s here.I have to go.”
“You’re going to regret—”
When he knocks at my door, I cut her off, ending the call.
I force a smile when I swing open my door.
Harris doesn’t even try to kiss me when he steps inside my house.
I notice it right away, because I was thinking about his kiss during the entire two-hour drive home.As I’ve been thinking about it, I’ve been wondering how exactly I’m going to say the words I need to say to him after I feel his lips against mine.
But maybe the words don’t even need to be said.
Still, I enjoy the feel of being in his arms as he embraces me.I memorize it because I know it will be the last time.
There’s this part of me that wishes I had just kept us as friends.Then I’d get to hug him again when he leaves in six months.And maybe again if he ever visited here and wanted to meet up for coffee or lunch.
But then I wouldn’t have known just how wonderful it was being with him like I have been this holiday.My body had needed it.My heart, my soul needed to be reminded how it felt to love a man.I had needed that more than I even realized.
“I was so happy to hear that Nicholas is okay,” he says when he loosens his hold on me.
Don’t, my heart seems to whisper to him.
Don’t let go of me.
Still, I let him ease back from me slightly, even as I ache to be held close again.
“You and me both.”I offer a smile.
“Was he still all right this morning?”
“Fine.More energy than me, that’s for sure.I’ve already made an appointment for him at Johns Hopkins for next week though.I’ll feel better when that’s behind us.”
I think about the words I just said—and how often I’ve said them.“I’ll feel better when his next appointment is behind us.”“I’ll feel better when his next surgery is behind us.”“I’ll feel better when…”
I savor the moments of my life with Nicholas—Ido.But I also recognize that I tend to always be looking ahead to the next worry that is slated for my calendar.Hopefully, after his final surgery when he’s stopped growing, it won’t be that way any longer.But that’s my life right now.
Harris doesn’t need to be a part of that, I realize again.
“Harris, this time we’ve had—it’s been so special for me.”I force the words past my lips.
He stiffens, and his arms that were still gently holding mine, drop to his sides.“I got an A in English, Ava.I’m pretty good at recognizingpasttense when I hear it.”
Then he offers me something I wasn’t expecting—a smile.It’s barely there, but it’s there, just the same.
Maybe this is a relief to him.It was a lot for him to take in.He’s not used to dating a woman who darts off to Philadelphia to see her child in the ER.
He’s at that point that his friends are.He deserves a time in his life when he can look forward to parenthood without worrying that a routine ultrasound will upend his life.
One day he might realize that all the worry in the world is insignificant compared to the joy that my son gives me.But maybe that’s something a parent needs to learn firsthand.
“It’s just… the timing is probably not the best.”I pause, nibbling on my lower lip.
He chuckles a little.“No, it would have been a lot better if I’d built that snowman with Nicholas thefirstwinter I was here rather than the last.Or better yet, after I retired.Can I call you then?”he asks, his tone joking.
I can tell he wants to put me at ease.But it doesn’t.I might pretend it does, but it just doesn’t relieve any of the ache inside of me right now.
