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Chapter 20
~ AVA ~
I stand in the dead center of the length of the short bridge that spans Spa Creek.Mostly couples surround me at this late hour, though there are a few clusters of friends, huddled together in the cold, waiting for the strike of midnight when the fireworks will start.
I don’t know why I’m here, actually.
This was my plan with Harris.
Frowning, I cross my arms tightly against my chest to stave off the breeze.
I’ve dealt with four New Year’s Eves without my son and not once had I thought to come here to watch the fireworks alone until tonight.It’s just not something that my crowd tends to do.We’re still at that stage in parenthood when we’re trying to convince our kidsnotto stay up this late—a time when watching some fireworks doesn’t sound appealing enough to justify getting an overpriced babysitter.
But this year, I had been looking forward to it.With Harris.And even though I’m alone, I feel this need to be here right now—if for no other reason than to remind myself that I won’t let go of the things I’ve learned about myself in this time I’ve been with him.
I learned I do want love in my life again.
Even if I can’t have it with Harris, I want to feel this warmth inside me again one day—this fire that I thought had been extinguished forever.
And I want—Ineed—to remind myself that I still count.Me—a woman who sometimes enjoys carrying an impractical purse or taking a little time off for an evening on the town.A woman who knows that I can’t control a lot of the things in my life.
But some things Icancontrol.
And one of them needs to change right now.
My frown deepens as I glance at my watch.I wonder if Bryant is letting Nicholas stay up until midnight tonight.
I hate that for all the nights I spend in the same house as my son, I don’t get to see him on New Year’s Eve.
I hate even more that I don’t get to see the light in his eyes when he sees the tree on Christmas day.Or on Easter when he sees a chocolate bunny waiting for him in his basket.Or on Thanksgiving, I’d love to be able to teach him how to set a proper table the old-fashioned way, and invite my family in from California to share the feast.
My son might enjoy holidays with his dad.But I know he’d enjoy them with me from time to time, too.
And I certainly could use one with him.
I pull out my phone and dial Bryant.I don’t worry about waking Nicholas because I know that Bryant turns his phone off when he doesn’t want to be disturbed.He does it even when Nicholas isn’t there.Funny how I berated myself for not being able to hear my phone for a couple hours, but I tolerate Bryant turning his off completely whenever he wants.
What a curious double standard.My lips press together as I hear his phone ring.
“Hey,” he answers.
“Hi.Are you letting Nicholas stay up tonight?”
“He wanted to, but he fell asleep about a half hour ago.”
“Is he still feeling better?”
“Yeah, definitely.”Bryant pauses, his tone changing.“I’m sorry again to worry you like that.”
“It’s not a problem.I’m glad you let me know.”
“Want me to have him call you back if he wakes up?”
“Actually, I was calling to talk to you, Bryant.I, uh, I was thinking that I’d like Nicholas at my house next Christmas.You can still have Thanksgiving and Easter next year.But I’d like for us to start alternating holidays sometimes.”
“But he likes his holidays here,” he says as though he knowsexactlywhat buttons to push with me.But the buttons don’t work anymore.
“Well, it’s not just about what he likes, or what you like, Bryant.Sometimes I’d like to have whatIlike too.And believe it or not, I’m actually capable of showing him a great time at Christmas.”
