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“That surprises me.”
“Honestly, I’ve never been that girl who longed for a boyfriend, who dreamed about getting married and having kids. I assume it’ll happen one day, but until then, I want adventures.”
“What did you dream about? When you were a teenage girl writing furiously in her journal on her pink canopy bed with a desk crammed with nail polish?”
You. “You know, I want to be insulted. I want to tell you I played soccer and was a card-carrying member of Future Business Leaders of America, but I can’t. You pretty much nailed it.” I dreamt about this exact moment, hanging out with you. “I wanted a soulmate.” Her cheeks went hot. “That sounds stupid to someone who has a twin, but you asked, and that’s literally what I wanted. That one person who was mine, who connected with me on a soul-deep level.”
“Isn’t that what you had with your best friend?”
“Well, she always had a boyfriend. And she’s very close to her mom. I wanted someone who was just mine.” She forced a laugh. “Am I scaring you right now? I sound like I’m super co-dependent—”
“Don’t do that. Don’t diminish the things that matter to you.”
Oh, my God, this man. She wanted to move closer, to lay her head against his chest, and feel his arms around her. “You’re right. Well, that’s what I dreamed about. Having that intense connection to one person, feeling like…I’m not alone in the world.”
“So, instead of a wedding, you dreamed of walking through life with a soulmate. I get that.”
“Because of Van?”
“I…don’t know how to answer that. Until this conversation, I’m not sure I understood how little he and I have talked over the last few years. I think I’m so busy running this production, that I lost sight of my brother.” He lowered his gaze to the couch. “I think I’ve lost sight of a lot of things.” He gave a soft smile. “Okay, other than finding your soulmate, what did you want to do with your life?”
“You promise you won’t make fun of me?”
“Oh, no, I can’t make a promise like that. I’m a very honest person.” He nudged her knee. “Come on. Be brave.”
“Fine. I write poetry.” She watched his reaction.
“Poetry? Now, that I didn’t expect.”
“Yep. I was an English Lit major at Arizona State with a focus on poetry. And if you look in my closet, you’ll find boxes stuffed with my poetry notebooks.”
“Well, that explains your love of adventure. You can’t really write if you don’t sink into experiences and emotions. I mean, you have to bite into an apple in order to describe it, right? You have to have a broken heart in order to write about one.”
“Well, there you go.” She hoped she sounded as cheeky as she’d intended. “That’s why my poetry sucks. I’ve never had a broken heart.”
“Of course, you have. Your mom died.” He shook his head. “I can’t think of a worse break than that.”
Tears sprang to her eyes. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right. I don’t think I ever thought about it like that.” Awareness crackled inside her. “You know, I keep telling myself I’m a third wheel with Micky and her fiancé, that that’s the reason I’m going home, but the truth is they never made me feel like that. It’s not like he’s all over her when the three of us are together.”
“Thank God for that.” He shuddered. “And frankly, if a guy ever slavers all over you, that’s your cue to run.”
She laughed. “As if my standards weren’t high enough, now I have to add one more thing to the list?”
“Hm, we might want to review your list.”
“Man, I didn’t realize it until just now, but if I’m totally honest with myself, I’m jealous of their relationship. Their passion. He loves her deeply, and I want that. I want to be loved like that. I want to love someone like that. But…”
He nodded. “Your mom died, and now you can’t trust love.”
She wasn’t quite making the connection. “A mother and a boyfriend…those are two different kinds of love.”
“Love requires trust, but if someone as essential as your mom can be taken from you, how can you ever trust it again? Especially with someone who doesn’t have any real ties to you? Your mom has to be with you. Everyone else can come and go.”
The idea splashed against her skin, and it felt good, warm, true. So, she let herself sink into it. It didn’t take long until she was swimming in the truth. And God, it was a whopper.
“What’re you thinking right now?” he asked.
“Just that…I knew I wanted the kind of love Micky has, but I didn’t know how much it terrifies me. But as soon as you said it, I could feel my fear.”
