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“I’ll always be here for you.” I feel his whispered breath against my ear, which sends shivers up my spine and a strange twist of need pooling in my gut. It’s completely foreign and unexpected, catching me off guard. But instead of retreating from his embrace, I fall deeper into it.
What the hell is this? Is this what real friendship is….or is it something different?
Different, like what?
“Thank you for telling me about Charlotte.” His fingers press into the nape of my neck as he whispers to me, and I’m caught between the expanding need for more and the terrifying urge to flee. “Thank you for trusting me with her memory.”
Each word is punctuated with a touch—slight, but nevertheless monumental—calling to me in a way nothing ever has before. I can feel my heart suddenly pound in anticipation, feel the ever-present fear just at the threshold. Things are changing between me and Merrick, even though it was completely unintentional on my part.
And I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I can’t exactly ask him if he feels it too, that silent connection we have that’s suddenly grown deeper. I have absolutely no idea how I’m supposed to label whatitis. It’s not unexpected that we’d grow closer tonight, not considering all the heavy emotion and over-wrought clinginess I’ve brought to the table. But then again, how close istooclose?
“Are you going to be okay?”
I’m not sure I can answer that. It will never be okay that my infant daughter died. I’ll never be okay with knowing my marriage ended the same day, and that some morbid sense of guilt has caused me to waste years of my life on a woman who despises me completely. I’ll never fully beme, the man I once was, and maybe that’s a good thing. With all the self-revelation that’s come about the past few weeks, I realize there’s a lot I can do to improve this life of mine. And myself as well, I suppose.
First and foremost, I need to find a gentle way to say goodbye to Chantal. We each need to be free to move on. We’ve paid our dues and now it’s time to look forward. Nothing we do in this life will bring Charlotte back to us. That lesson has been hard-earned over many, many years. She will always be a part of us, but it’s time to put an end to this charade. I need it just as much as Chantal does, whether she’s willing to admit it to me or not.
Once my family issues are resolved I can concentrate on my own life and this man who is still embracing me as if his life depends on it. Whatever this is that’s brewing between us needs to be given time. Our friendship has come a long way tonight, but the unexplainable twinges of undefined need have to be thought out, examined, and put into their rightful place. To be fair, I haven’t been touched in so damn long it’s no surprise that my entire body reacted when it happened for the first time. I’m afraid to admit to myself that I’m oddly attracted to him, that there’s something between us that’s more than friendship. Something special. Something I don’t want to run from simply because it’s different than anything I’ve never known.
As if sensing my confusion, Merrick slowly pulls away and scoots over just enough to put a small bit of space between us. Like that day on the patio weeks ago, we lock eyes and everything else disappears. The tears are gone now, so is the trembling. The heartache remains, as does the need. And even though I couldn’t put it into words if I was forced to, there has been a decidedly intense shift of emotion between the two of us.
Glancing down, I watch as our hands automatically reach for one another, his warm one enfolding mine once more, my fingers desperately holding tight to his. This may be something, or it may be nothing. This might be a side benefit of our friendship, or a first step toward something else. But as we sit there in silence, looking at one another, hands clasped, the only thing I know without a doubt is that I’m not ready to let him go.
