AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Merrick
Closing and locking the door behind Davis, I slump against the surface and scrub my hands over my face.
Holy. Shit.
What the hell just happened?
My heart isthud, thud, thuddingalong at a rapid pace, as overwhelmed as my brain seems to be. I’m stunned by all that he revealed. Shook to my core. I knew instinctively there were issues between him and Chantal. Something heartbreaking. Somethingreal. But this? Never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that Davis had remained in his loveless marriage merely for convenience sake. Driven to do so by his sense of obligation and guilt. Lots and lots of guilt.
I can feel my eyes well with tears once again and I feel powerless to stop the influx of emotion. I can’t begin to imagine the pain Davis must have gone through losing his little girl like he did. If tonight’s display is any indication, I can’t even fathom how the man still functions with day to day life, given the crippling grief he still bears. The raw pain on his face was tangible, as if I could reach out and touch it and it would burn my skin right off to the bone.
And then there was his vulnerable display of intense emotion. I’ve been around my share of men and women who weep, but what I witnessed tonight was more than a few stray tears to evoke a reaction. It was if he couldn’t turn it off, as if all the grief and agony was exploding from deep inside his soul, and it had no choice but to erupt completely.
My sweet, sweet fragile man.
Dear God….my heart bleeds for him. Beyond the hurt I feel for him, is the knowledge of how much trust he placed in me; both with his story and with his body. He melted into me as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do, knowing that I’d take complete care of him. Knowing that if he fell, I’d be there to catch him.
A lone tear trickles down my cheek as I shift my body upright and turn off the entry-way lights. I can’t do anymore for Davis than I have done tonight; listen, provide understanding. Holding him when he needed me to. Releasing him when he needed that more. I could have so easily encouraged him to stay with me tonight. And he was so damn weak with emotional exhaustion he most likely would have stayed.
I don’t want Davis staying with me until he’s willing to admit I mean more to him than just a friend. I have no doubt that once he wakes tomorrow morning, he’ll be all levels of freaked out over the hand-holding and firm embraces we shared. It’s imperative that I give him the space he needs, and once more let him come to me, just as he did tonight.
Walking into the bathroom, I take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. My heart might be fooled into thinking there’s a chance for Davis and I as more than friends, but the face in the mirror knows better. Regardless of the state of his marriage, the man is still married to a woman. I certainly don’t make it a habit to romance straight men. Lately—years, in fact—I haven’t romanced anyone. I have no interest in mindless hookups and empty conversations. Life is too short for all of that nonsense. I want affection. I want love. I want someone to want me as intensely as I want them; not only with my body, but with my soul as well. Davis may not—most likelyisnot—that man. But something about him reaches the dormant part inside my heart that’s been screaming for someone like him; someone who wants to spend time with me. Someone who trusts me. Someone who may someday care for me the way I do for him.
The face in the mirror scowls at the thought, and it has good reason to. I’m setting myself up for failure yet again. For heartache. And for the never-ending regret that parallels forbidden love. More importantly, I’m potentially throwing a lot of unnecessary stress Davis’s way. He doesn’t need me coming onto him, asking him to give this rare relationship a real try. He needs to fully grieve, and then he needs to heal. He needs to end his marriage for good, then make his way into the world on his own two feet. He absolutely does not need me standing in his way, which is what will happen if I ever bring to light all that’s going on in my heart.
My jaw clenches as my eyes fill again. Part of me feels like I need to grieve him tonight; grieve all that we can never be to one another. The other part, the ridiculous part that’s still holding out hope, wants to delay the inevitable just a little longer.
I can be his friend without wanting anything more. I can care about him deeply, without that ever getting in the way of the casual friends we have become. I can and will do whatever is necessary to keep him in my life, even if that means lying to myself. I can do all of this because what I feel for him is rare. Special. And I simply cannot let him go.
Shutting out the light, I strip off the sweats and slide naked beneath the sheets. I’m spent, exhausted from the emotional toll tonight has taken on me, willing sleep to take me over. But I can still smell the scent of his shampoo on my skin. Can still feel his work-roughened hand holding mine. There are so many things I fantasize about between me and Davis that will only ever be in my head. I’m okay with that, for now. I’m all too aware that our friendship could easily fizzle out and die a natural death, just as it could last for years and years. I need to get real with myself and understand that what I want will never be what I have. And I do have to ask myself…. do I really want to sacrifice years for a man who will only see me as a running companion and guy to drink beer with? Can I see myself in a year or two, carrying a torch for a man who will never know how I see the two of us? As much as I want him—and Christ, do I want him—letting him go may be the most humane thing I can do…. for both of us.
