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“I know.”
What….is it written on my face or something?“How do you know?”
He shrugs and wraps his arms around me. “You’ve been married for a long time. Not to mention, I saw how you worried yourself to death the night I held you when you were so upset. There was something between us even then.” Once more, he kisses me softly, then steps back and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “There’s been something different, something special between us from the beginning.”
“Yeah, I suppose so.”
Now that the heat of the moment has started to subside, my thoughts are beginning to take hold and the worry is setting in. I fall to the edge of the mattress and try to keep myself from hyperventilating as I breathe through the building panic and scrub my hands over my face. What will I tell my family? How the hell do I explain….this? What about Chantal, and the divorce I’ve been planning on going forward with? How the hell will I ever explain that this man—this friend of mine—is now something….something…more?
Merrick looks at me with gentle understand, lowering to a squat in front of me and taking my hands in his. “Hey, just relax. There are no expectations. No announcements we need to make. As far as anyone else is concerned we are just very good friends.”
I nod in agreement, and swallow hard against the nerves that are bubbling up. “Yeah, okay.”
Falling to his knees, he rises up between my legs and looks at me with conviction. “Please stop worrying. I’m not going to pounce on you. I’m not going to march into the other room and try to kiss you in front of everyone. We’re going to take this slow and at whatever speed you’re comfortable with.”
I have no idea what the hell I’m comfortable with. A few minutes ago I was perfectly comfortable being in his arms, letting him kiss me senseless, feeling his need for me against my body. In his arms, under the spell of his mouth, nothing else mattered. Not my so-called marriage. Not his friends. Not my family or the people I work with or the neighbors that watch us come and go every day.
“Hey, babe, look at me.”
My eyes roll over his face, seeing the kindness there, and the hint of worry he tries really hard to hide. In this moment, I can acknowledge how attractive he is, and how doing so makes my heart surge with happiness. I can admit to myself that I need him, in every way, to make my life whole. I can confess that the idea of making love to a man—to this man—terrifies me and excites me in ways I never dreamed it could.
“Outside this room, around others, nothing has changed. And if you wake up tomorrow and you’re too terrified to try or somehow realize it is something you don’t want, I will understand. But please be with me on this. Don’t run or hide or try to pretend like we don’t matter to one another.” Rising, he bends over me and places a soft kiss against my temple. “Please promise me that.”
It’s difficult to form words when my mind is all over the place….and my heart is racing….and I’m counting the minutes until we can be alone again. It’s hard to believe in any type of future with this man—friend or otherwise—when my life is still so tied up with Chantal’s. Before I make any step forward, I need to make peace with the past. I need to let her go and give myself permission to live again.
I nod, the ragged whisper hinting at the depth of emotion I’m feeling. “I promise.”
