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Christ….when did I get so unbothered by this crazy life I’ve been living? Not six months ago I was running scared and refusing to acknowledge that I could ever be attracted to another man. Now I’m trading barbs with my co-worker, and inviting him to a BBQ with my boyfriend and his friends.
Boyfriend? Is that what Merrick is to me? I suppose he is, even though we do keep our relationship on the down low when we’re out in public. I know he’s important to me, and I care for him a lot; probably more than I have a right to.
“Uh…hey man, did you hear me?”
“Sure…yeah…sorry.” Running a hand through my hair, I nod. “Yes, I’m sure I want you to come over Sunday.” I haven’t yet told him that the event isn’t at my own home. Maybe the denial is working for me, but I have to believe Drake won’t question it.
“Cool. Text me your address. I’ll bring beer.”
“Works for me.”
The moment he heads out the door my phone flares to life. This time it’s Grady’s name splashed across the screen, and the moment I answer he blurts out, “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?”
“Not much.”
“We should get together. Cook some steaks. Drink too much beer.”
“Uh…sure.” Suddenly I have this intense need to seamlessly blend my life with Merrick’s. “My neighbor is having a bunch of people over on Sunday. I’ve invited a few people too, since we’re sorta throwing the party together. You should come.” He doesn’t know that I’ve only invited one other person, and that the majority of those in attendance will be Merrick’s friends.
“Is he the guy you’ve been spending so much time with?”
“Uh-hmm.” Heat crawls up my neck, my face warming with embarrassment. I know that Grady understands my marriage is in name only, but he has no idea that I’ve suddenly developed a serious crush on my next door neighbor. More than a crush, actually, though I refuse to put a name to how deeply I care for Merrick.
“I remember him. He stopped by the day I was over to help with the house stuff. What’s his name?”
“Merrick.”
“Yeah…the British guy.” He sighs long and loud. “I’ll think about it. Not sure how I feel about crashing someone else’s party.”
“You won’t be crashing. I invited you. It’s my party too.” Which is an outright lie, but I go with it anyway.
“You invited me to his house, big brother. It’s a crash, pure and simple.”
Panic begins to wash over me as the enormity of this situation unfolds. The truth of the matter is that I mostly live with Merrick now. My clothes are in his closet, my to-go coffee cup in his cupboard. What if Grady sees something of mine lying around, or what if Gunner decides to announce to the group that Merrick and I are sleeping together. What then? Clearly, I have not thought this whole thing through.
I sigh and fall against the desk. I knowwhat then. Then I confide in my baby brother about the painful state of my marriage and the impending divorce. I tell him that I’ve been swept up by a man who understands me and cares for me and wants only to make me happy. I trust that he’ll listen completely before he makes any snap judgements. I honor our family ties by letting him see the real me for the very first time.
My heart bounces around, anxious yet hopeful. For the first time in years, I want to open myself up, to share my life, to let others see how happy I am. The miserable wall I’ve lived inside for so damn long has finally cracked open and allowed me to see the light. I know there will be challenges. I know not everyone will accept that I now share my life with a man. But I also know I can’t live anymore days in hiding: Hiding my fears. Hiding my pain. Hiding myself most of all. Enough is enough. I’m ready to live.
