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How could I not have known? I’ve seen him date women. Or have I? I know he spent time with girls when he was in school and that he has some close girlfriends he goes out with on occasion. Or at least he used to. I just assumed he’d been sleeping with them too. Guess I made a lot of assumptions about this stranger I call brother.
How could he not have trusted me with this? I love him, regardless of who he loves, sleeps with or spends time with. I may not show it enough, or show it easily, but I’ve always thought he understood he could come to me with anything. Again, another assumption that’s now biting me hard on the ass.
“Fuck…I’m so sorry. I should have known. I should have been there for you.” My eyes well and that just pisses me off. “Why didn’t you tell me?’
He shrugs. “Not sure. It’s not exactly something I broadcast.”
“But you told Ma.”
“Yeah, I did.” Sighing, he shakes his head. “I don’t know, man. I just always got the feeling you liked keeping our lives separate.”
Have I really failed my entire family this completely? I’ve spent so much of my life being closed off, protecting myself, with the last six years only exacerbating the problem. I’ve not been a real part of my family…ever. I’ve just been a damn stranger who shows up once in a while to make an appearance.
Without hesitating, I march across the room and pull him out of his chair and into my arms. He’s tense, but slowly falls into the embrace, hugging me tight in return. “I wish I had known. I wish I’d been a better brother to you.”
“Don’t beat yourself, man. Shit happens.”
That is certainly no excuse for abandoning my little brother or pushing my family away. It’s no excuse for walling myself off in a marriage that was doomed from the start. I may not be able to repair what I ruined in the past, and I sure as hell may never again get an opportunity to fix what is so broken between me and Merrick, but I’m damn sure going to be there for my family from this day forward.
When we eventually pull away from one another, the heaviness in the room has lifted. Some of the pain too. We resume our seats, sipping on coffee, Grady shooting me amused smirks every few minutes. Occasionally, his mouth falls open, like he wants to say something, but he’s quick to snap it shut and remain silent.
Guess the healing is going to take a while after all.
“Go ahead….ask.”
He refills our cups, not speaking until he’s back in his chair. “What happened with you and Merrick?”
“I fucked up.” There is so much truth in that statement. I’ve done nothing but fuck things up between us since the beginning. Pretending like he was just my friend. Refusing to acknowledge our attraction to one another. Hiding away in his house like some criminal. The only thing I’ve done “right” is love him. But even that I’ve managed to screw up too.
“Can you fix it?”
“Nah. He asked me to leave and never come back.” I understand why Merrick said the things he did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like fighting back with everything that I have. I’m in no position to offer him anything except my heart right now, so it’s probably for the best if I do as he requested and stay away. I’ll love him regardless of where I lay my head at night. He’s a part of me now. He’ll be a part of me always, whether he’s standing by my side or living his own life away from mine. He’s my forever, even if that forever is not spent together.
“That’s messed up. Sorry about that.” Gently kicking my foot with his, he states, “You’re welcome to stay with me as long as you need.”
I groan and grab my back dramatically. “I appreciate that, but your couch is going to ruin me.”
He kicks me again, harder this time. “We’ll get you a blow-up mattress, princess. You can take the loft.”
There are no perfect answers to this life of mine, but this is a good first step. Many, many miles of steps need to be taken before I can ever think about reminding Merrick what makes the two of us so good. Who knows… by the time all the shit in my life is ironed out, he may well have chosen someone else to spend his future with. He sure as hell deserves to find someone to love all the beautiful in him. I had my chance…and I let it go. And that’s something I’m going to have to learn to live with.
