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Whether he’s long-pausing for effect or just to piss me off, it has me squirming in my chair. I want details. I need to know what the hell has gone on in the weeks I’ve been out of town and why it is that I’m the last to know.
“He signed the divorce papers and moved out the night you two….” One perfectly arched brow shoots up. “….argued.” It’s clear he knows exactly what happened between Davis and me that night and I’m curious as to why he’s decided that now is the perfect time to censor his words.
“When did you last speak with him?”
Gunner shrugs, running his index finger over the condensation on his water glass. “A few days ago.”
After a few thick beats of silence, I urge, “Come on Gun, talk to me. Tell me what you know.”
With a heavy sigh, he shifts his body so that he’s facing me, one knee on the bench seat between us. “He’s hurting, but he’s really trying to get his life together. He’s staying with Grady until all the repairs are finished on the house and it goes on the market.”
“Why didn’t he tell me any of this?” My question is more for myself than anyone else, and yet I’m dumb enough to air it aloud. “For that matter, why didn’t you? Why am I finding out about this weeks after the fact?”
Annoyance slides over Gunner’s face, eyes narrowing in my direction. “Because you told him to stay away and never come back. Remember? He’s doing right by you, Mer. What the fuck do you expect him to do?”
The people in the booth behind us turn and glare at my friend’s harsh language. Normally, I’d care about making a scene and urge Gunner to keep his voice down. But now I’m struggling past the shock, trying to absorb the truth between what he’s saying and not saying.
“He’s really getting divorced?”
This time, it’s Aiden who answers, leaving me to wonder if all my friends have retained their friendships with Davis. I truly hope so. I may have issues with how he ended things, but I would never want him to be lonely again. “Yes, he’s really going through with it. He’s trying very hard to get his life together.” His voice becomes a whisper. “And to get over you.”
“Why are you defending him? You’ve done nothing but condemn the man from the beginning.” That’s most likely not altogether true. Aiden tried to be fair, but after witnessing my pain more than once, his instinct was to protect me. I certainly cannot blame him for that.
“Because I didn’t want him to hurt you and I was pissed when he did.” Aiden glances at Chloe, who pats his shoulder in support. “I love you, Mer. You know that. We all love you. There’s nothing worse than seeing someone you love in pain. I like Davis a lot, but yeah…I’m pissed that he hurt you. And he knows that.”
“You’ve talked to him?”
“I have. He had dinner at our house right before Christmas.”
Don’t ask….don’t ask….don’t ask.“Did he ask about me?” Dammit…I am so weak where Davis is concerned.
They share another brief look, then Aiden turns to me and shakes his head. “He did not. We talked about the two of you, but only because he wanted to apologize for hurting you.” Aiden blows out a heavy breath. “Gunner is right though, Davis is just trying to abide by your wishes. He doesn’t want to cause you anymore pain.”
Doesn’t he realize that I’m in pain because I miss him? Because even when I thought he was back together with Chantal, I still loved him? How can he not know how invested I am, and how much the idea of us not being together breaks me in two?
The only thing that brings me any comfort is knowing that Davis is no longer all alone. He has his brother by his side, the friendships of the people who are sitting with me now, people who support him despite the situation with the two of us. I’m happy to know that he’s no longer alone, dealing with his pain by shutting himself away, and cutting himself off from people who care about him. I just wish I was able to be included in that picture.
You can be.
But…can I? After everything that’s happened between us, all the crazy emotional ups and downs, can he and I really piece ourselves back together? Is it fair, after everything that’s happened, for me to seek him out and tell him that I screwed up…that I never should have sent him away?
For all the times that Davis acted wishy-washy about our relationship, he certainly seems like the one whom now has his feet firmly planted. I’m the one waffling back and forth about giving us another try, then realizing we might be better off apart. There’s nothing easy about any of this. Nothing certain, except my love for him. That is without doubt, without hesitation, without pause or re-thinking. I love the man so very much it terrifies me. I certainly love him enough to get my head together before making any decisions about the two of us.
The waitress finally strolls up with four fluted glasses in hand, the bottle of sparkling cider under her arm. Once she fills our glasses and walks away, I raise mine and glance around the table. “To Aiden and Chloe. May both of you and my niece or nephew…” Gunner jabs his elbow into my stomach. “…I mean,ourniece or nephew….” He grins at me and waves me on. “May the three of you have a beautiful future together, complete with love and happiness, and surrounded by all of us, your best friends. Salute!”
We touch our glasses together with a clink and I purposefully try to shove aside the melancholy that washes over me. Things are changing. For my friends and for me. For Davis too, I suppose. In this season of change, when everything feels like its spiraling out of control, I know I have his love to grasp onto, to keep me grounded. What happens from this point forward is unknown. Regardless, my heart is fully invested.
