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Chapter twenty-six
Ben
“What does that mean? After everything with Matt?” I watch Mikaela’s face drain of any color as I sit upright; my blood thick with ice.
Her eyes are dull and lifeless as she takes a deep breath and plasters a false smile over her lips.
I know her smiles now. I know which pull on the corner of her lips means something amuses her and which subtle downturn means she’s going to cry. I know which corner she chews when she’s anxious and how easily she draws blood when she does that. I realise now - as her smile spreads over her face with the warmth of a summer sunrise, and her eyes crinkle in the edges, despite the icy void that pulls all heat from the jade - how much I have read and interpreted those smiles over the years. I havealwaysknown her smiles. And these last weeks I’ve been drowning in them.
She isn’t telling me something.
“Oh, that’s nothing.” She pushes to her feet and stretches out, turning her back to me as she does so. “Jamie hated Matthew so it’s probably just about that. I mean, we didn’t speak for a while because of that relationship, you know, so…”
As her voice trails off, I trace that faint scar on her leg with my eyes. I follow each slice and swirl of silver as images flicker in the depth of my mind.
Images that make me sick to my stomach.
Eight Years Ago
Mikaela
“I just don’t understand, Mikaela.” Mom slips the pie into the oven as she speaks, while I sit at the small table pulled out to the centre of the room. “You love learning.”
I tug nervously at the sleeves of my sweatshirt, wrapping the wrists around my fingers and watching as the deep blue shimmers against my skin. “I wasn’t enjoying it, Mom.”
“Nonsense, Mik. You were absolutely thriving when I came up to see you last month.” Her voice drops to a whisper as she takes off her apron and folds it over a chair. “Is it to do with Matthew? He seems like a lovely boy, Mikaela, but sometimes I worry that it’s all a little too much, too fast. And I know you and Jamie had words about it all.”
I don’t look up. My eyes burn with tears I can’t cry as I clear my throat and slowly peel back the emotions that are written all over my face.
“It’s not about Matty, Mom.” My smile is perfectly plain by the time I meet her eyes. “It’s about me. I am tired all the time and I hate my lectures. I just want to find a job and start my life.”
“In another State?” She folds her arms and raises her eyebrows at me, making me feel about two feet tall in that way that only mother’s can.
“Listen, Mom.” I stand up, the chair scraping the linoleum beneath me, and move to my mother’s side. “I’m twenty and I know it scares you, me being so far away, and it scares me too. But I want to do something. I want to live my life.”
A glimmer of hurt flashes behind the blue of Mom’s eyes and I feel instant regret. Those words weren’t chosen well.
“If it makes you feel better, I’ll pick up some classes out there when we’re settled or something? Okay?”
She pulls me into her arms and squeezes me tight. “I don’t like it, Mikaela, but I appreciate that I can’t stop you from living your life. Not after you’ve done so much for me.”
I don’t want to do this. I need to do this.
Breaking out of Mom’s hold, I move to the counter where a bowl of cooled filling sits with a spoon, and I push myself up. A small smile tugs on my lips as I start to eat. Of course she’s making cherry. She makes it for Ben every time she see’s him; she dotes on him. I swear, sometimes I think my mother loves that boy more than she loves either of her own kids. Sitting there, my mother ambling around the kitchen, a bowl in my hand, my brother and Ben in the next room over, it hits me that I’m really not sure I’ll be able to skip town.
And then the door swings open and Matthew is standing in front of me, his eyes simmering, and my stomach drops.
Has Jamie said something?Ben?
Present
Ben’s fingers reach out and trail up my thigh. I know exactly what he’s doing. I know where his fingers will twist back on themselves and where they’ll catch small knots of scarred skin.
I stop breathing.
“Mik.” His voice is low and knowing. “Where did you getthisscar?”
My head shakes.
