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Myphoneringsbetweenus for the seventh time and I close my eyes.
“You know he’s just going to keep calling.” Sephy pauses the film and looks over to me.
She’s right. Every few minutes my phone rings and it’s always Ben. He’s left messages. He’s text. I’ve not looked at any of it.
“At least read the texts,” Sephy suggests.
I untuck my feet from beneath the cushions, reaching for the phone I don’t want to look at, and take a deep breath.
Five messages.
Ben: Mik, please just let me explain. I’m so sorry. Just call me back.
My eyes burn.
Ben: I know I should have told you, baby. I know. I screwed up.
My heart pinches.
Ben: I can’t bear this. Please just call me. Please. I fucked up and I’m so sorry. Please.
I can’t get enough air.
Ben: I know you’re mad. I know Jamie is too. Please don’t push me away, Mik. Please.
Everything is broken.
Ben: I love you. I love you so much.
Sephy holds me as I cry. She holds me until there’s nothing left to leave me and my heart is just an empty shell. She holds me until I slip into a painful, broken sleep and dream of crystal blues and rain soaked sidewalks.
Ben
Jamie isn’t talking to me. He made it clear when he left mine last night that our friendship is done.
And I don’t blame him.
I’ve lied to him for too long.
And I lied to her.
And Jamie needs her.
My relationship with Jamie Wilcox is now, well and truly, business only.
I sit in the chair behind my desk, my eyes burning from exhaustion and my clothes scruffy, as I wait.
Eight fifty seven.
She’s never this late.
I just need to talk to her. I need to have one moment alone with her so that she can see why I did it.
Fuck that.
I need one minute alone with her so that I can apologise and beg and grovel. Nothing I did was right. I should have told her. I should have come clean the second she asked me to go to Elizabeth’s grave. I should have just told her. But then I would have lost her. Jamie would have lost her. The mist of confusion is a never ending chasm of desperate bidding and pleading for answers I don’t have and don’t know how to find.
All I know is that I need her.
