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“Your momma spoke to me when you left, Mikaela. And Ben spoke to Norman.”
I blink back my tears.
“That boyfriend of yours was a piece of work.” Her fingers comb through Ben’s hair as she tuts. “And Ben had his own demons to fight. He - his father had a streak and Ben was so angry for a very long time.” My hands are shaking. “So I told him to back off. I told him to listen to Jamie and to give you space and time. And then your momma… I’m so sorry you lost her, darling. She was a good woman.”
“I - I think I’m in love with him.” I breathe my admission with my eyes closed and Julia Haston laughs.
“Oh, I know, dear. I saw the way you looked at him years ago.” She sits back beside me and takes my hand as we slip into silence.
Hourspassaswesit in cracked and broken vinyl chairs. At some point Ben’s mom fell into a restless sleep and I moved her slowly, tucking a cushion behind her head and laying a blanket over her. Then I crept to Ben’s side as he slept, just to watch him breathe. Sitting here, I count every rise of his chest.
“Ma’am. We operate a one overnight visitor policy here.” The older of his nurses whispers to me from the doorway as I place my hand on his forehead, checking he isn’t too warm.
“Okay. I can go.” My heart is in my throat. The last thing I want to do is walk away right now, when he isn’t awake to know I’m not running out on him. “I just need to gather my stuff.”
The woman nods, her white cloud of hair bobbing slightly with the movement, and smiles.
Moving carefully, desperate not to wake Ben when he needs rest, I crouch beside his mother and hesitate with my hand hovering over hers.
“Mrs Haston?” Nothing. Not even a groan. “Mrs Haston?”
I place my hand over hers and her eyes open instantly as she bolts upright in her chair.
“What’s wrong? Is he okay?” Her voice is a croak and her eyes are wild again. When her sight settles on her son, still sleeping soundly, she exhales in one long breath and holds her free hand over her heart.
“I’m so sorry, Mrs Haston. I didn’t want to startle you. I - erm - I have to leave.” I glance back to the nurses station, the corner visible just outside through the window between us and the hallway, before shaking my head. “I’ll be back first thing. Okay?”
“Why are you leaving?” For a moment, as she furrows her brow and cocks her head to the side, I see where Ben got his most striking features. Her eyes are darker than his, but they are still a striking blue - stormy and weathered but beautifully inviting - and the way she smiles even when she’s breaking is so painfullyhim.
“It’s hospital rules.” I try to smile too, but it doesn’t feel right on my lips - too stretched and taut - too forced. “If he wakes up can you tell him I’ll be back? Please?”
I can’t bear to look over my shoulder to him without more tears coming.
“Of course, dear.” Julia cups my cheek with her hand and nods slightly. “I’ll give you regular updates too. What’s your number?” She leans over the side of her chair to retrieve her purse and digs for her phone, handing it to me quickly. “I’ll give you a moment with him before you go, if you’d like?”
Her eyes trace the way he rests behind me and I take a deep breath.
“Thank you.”
Ben
Something soft brushes my forehead once, twice, three times. There’s a calming rhythm to the touches, little brushes of affection that I know aren’t meant to wake me. And yet with every touch, I feel myself being pulled out of my groggy haze of sleep and back to the room I know she’s waiting in.
“I’ve got to go.” She’s talking in hushed tones and I hold on to her voice. “But I’m coming right back in the morning and I’m going to keep coming back, okay?”
Is she crying?
I don’t want her to cry.
“I said some really stupid things, Haston. Really stupid.” I feel her lips press into my forehead and I want to open my eyes. I want to see her. “But I didn’t mean them. I was stupid and scared, and it was all so messy. But I love you. I love you so much that it makes me say stupid, stupid things and I just - I really hope I can fix this.”
Her hand is wrapped gently around mine and I feel her slipping away. I need her to stay. So I focus. I focus on her fingers and holding onto them.
It takes a second for the cloud to lift from my mind and my muscles to move, but she freezes.
“Ben?”
Holy shit my throat is dry.“Hey.”
