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My heart is at war with my mind, and I don’t know who’s winning.
“I think you just need to ask yourself, do you want to live without her? Is what happened something you can’t move on from, or forgive her? Is your life going to be better off without her? Look, I’m not excusing what she’s done, I’mnot. But Briggs, can you put yourself in her shoes for a second and imagine what you'd do given the situation?”
Gritting my jaw, I look out the window as I mull over his words. Even in anger, I can’t imagine life without Maddison, not when she’s ingrained in my heart, somewhere completely out of reach.
“She’s the reason that, for the first time, I felt like home wasn’t a place, but a person,” I tell him, “But Reed, I’m so fucking angry. All she had to do was tell me. Be upfront, and granted, I get it… she hasn’t written about me since she realized who I was, and thank fuck for that, but how do I move on? How do I let go of what’s happened? How do I act like my trust isn’t shattered?” I say, jaw clenching with each word.
He sighs, long and hard, and turns farther toward me. “You know, Briggs, what I did…. lying to Emery, thinking that what I was doing was the right thing by not telling her about Holland and me, trying to protect her from the truth because we thought that it would hurt her. It’s not that much different from what Maddison’s done.”
He’s referring to the way he and Holland became a thing in the first place. Holland, being his sister Emery’s lifelong best friend, found out that Holland and Reed had been keeping their relationship a secret from her for months.
I lift a brow and start to speak, but he stops me. “Listen, I thought I was doing the right thing, fuck man, I believed with all of my heart that I was protecting both Emery and Holland, each in different ways by keeping the truth to myself, and in reality, all I did was fuck things up by not being honest from the start, but I didn’t realize that until it all blew up in my face, until I almost lost my girl, and I almost fucked up my relationship with my sister, who’s my best friend. I’m just saying, I can understand that she thought that by not telling you, she’d be sparing your feelings, not hurting you, not bringing up the past to break open old wounds. I’m not saying it’s right, and I’m not saying it’s what she should’ve done, at all, I’m just saying that after being in an impossible fucking situation, sometimes you do what you think is right in the moment, even if in the end, it isn’t.”
We sit together in silence after that for a few moments, each of us thinking about what he’s just said.
Reed’s my best friend, more like my brother, and I trust him with everything. He’s never once made me doubt his loyalty, and time and time again, he’s proven his friendship. Right now, I need and value his advice more than anything.
Especially with my heart barely fucking beating the past few days.
“Don’t think I’m making excuses because I’m not. When this happened with Emery, Holland and I both had to own up to our shit, not just with each other, but with Emery. I’m saying that I think you should think about why she did what she did. I think that maybe she thought she was protecting you, and not that she was hurting you.”
His words are like a spark inside my head.
Fuck, he’s right.
My thoughts flit back to my brother. Beau deceived me, purposefully, having an affair with my fiancé. He did it not caring about the consequences, and he knew that it would hurt me.I’ve been so lost in my fucking head, that I’ve been comparing Maddison to Beau.
Beau made a conscious choice and I was collateral damage. Maddison becameThe Puck Bunnylong before she even knew me, and while she hurt me, she did it without even fully knowing who I was, and she was afraid of deepening those already bleeding wounds the past had left behind.
“No one can make this decision but you. You need to sit back and think it all through, imagine life without her, and if that’s something that you feel like you want… then, so be it. But if you can’t imagine waking up without her next to you, well then, you know your answer. Think about the why, instead of the how. Maybe give her a chance… to explain things further. Either way, I’ll support you to the end, brother, you know this. All Holland and I both want is for you to be happy.”
For the rest of the night, all I can think about is my conversation with Reed. I think about my brother, and Conrad, and Olive, and Maddison.
I think about what the future holds, and who I am.
What this means for me.
My heart and my mind are in a constant battle, and only one would come out victorious.
Last night, I tossed and turned in the bed of Reed’s guest room until finally, around four a.m., I realized that I wasn’t going to be getting any sleeping tonight. Not when my head was this fucked up.
Not when I couldn’t turn off the constant racing thoughts, or the things playing out over and over on repeat.
I ran his neighborhood twice, and then got coffee and waited for eight a.m., when I was supposed to meet Maddison at home to see Olive. We chose home to meet since Olive’s things are there, and it’s her home. The clock seemed to tick by at a torturously slow pace. Each minute slower than the last. Finally, I got in my truck and drove the short distance home, the entire ride my stomach in fucking knots.
I hate this.
When I unlock the front door and walk in, Maddison and Olive are already inside. I can hear Olive’s babbling through the foyer.
The sound causes my stomach to lurch, twisting into even more knots. I miss her laugh and her baby babbles even though it’s only been a few days.
When I walk through the entryway, Maddison is holding Olive in her arms, playing with her stuffed bear on the couch.
The bear that Graham gave her the day she was born and the one she’s been attached to ever since.
Maddison looks about the same as I feel. Her blonde hair is pulled back out of her face that’s free of makeup, there are dark circles under her eyes, and she looks completely exhausted. When she sees me walk into the room, her eyes lift, catching mine, and I immediately see the tears welling.
Fuck, this is going to be even harder than I thought.
