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My chest aches at the sight of them; I so badly want to reach up and rub away the stiff ache forming.
“Hi,” she whispers quietly.
“Hi.”
She stands from the couch and clears her throat nervously. “I’m going to stay at Tyler and Kyle’s for a few days, so I’m going to go and pack a few things while you and Olive play.”
Her words pierce my heart, causing the ache to intensify. Yeah, this is fucking torture.
“You know that you and Olive do not have to go anywhere, Maddison. This is both yours and Olive’s home,” I say, keeping my words brief. I don’t trust myself to say anything else, not with the emotion in my throat, and the need to pull her into my arms and say fuck it.
I walk over and take Olive, holding her tightly to my chest, breathing in her baby scent. I’ve missed her so much; I never want to have to leave her again.
Knowing that I’ll have to walk back out that door without her…makes all of this so much worse.
“Briggs…” Maddison says, blinking away the tears, “I’m sorry. I just need you to know that, how sorry I am.”
“Thank you.” I say, looking back at Olive. I stroke her cheek and give her a kiss as Maddison heads up the stairs. I force myself not to watch her go and to focus on Olive instead. I needed my baby girl, even more than I realized. With her in my arms, I feel hope. After everything, I can’t talk to Maddison, not right now, not when I’m so fucking confused and angry and hurt.
I play with Olive for a few minutes when Maddison walks back downstairs, a suitcase in hand, along with a few things like Olive’s Bumbo seat and her pack and play.
"I’ll be staying at Reed’s, you and Olive don’t need to go anywhere,” I start to say once more, but she shakes her head, setting her things down on the landing of the stairs then swiping at the tears wetting her cheeks.
“I can’t, Briggs. I can’t be here right now, knowing things are like this between us. This is your home, and while I know you’d do anything for Olive, I just… I don’t feel right about staying here when this is all my fault. I don't’deserve your generosity. I don’t deserve kindness from you.” Her voice is quiet, barely above a whisper, so full of emotion that it almost wrecks me. “I’m sorry for what I did, and if I could take it back and do everything the right way, I would. I’m sorry that I hurt you, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest sooner. I’m just… I’m so sorry, Briggs.”
I walk closer, Olive still in my arms babbling quietly. “You are the mother of my child, and while I am angry and right now, I don’t know what will happen between us, I will always be amicable with you for the sake of our daughter, and I don’t want you to think that you have to leave. You will always have a home here.”
“I don’t deserve that, and I think that I need to give you space. To… think about everything that’s happened. I just want you to know that I’m going to make this right, I take full responsibility and I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix it.
Her tears flow freely down her already damp cheeks, and she looks toward the ceiling, trying to gain her composure, rubbing at her already red and swollen eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
It guts me to see her cry, and even more so that I’m part of the reason for her tears. Yeah, she did something that hurt the fuck out of me, but I still don’t want to see her hurt in return.
This isn’t a competition about who can wound the other worse. I’m not that person, and neither is she.
“Please call me so we can arrange something for Olive. Briggs…I-I, I hope you know that I would never do anything to hurt you, and I’m so sorry that I have made such a colossal mess of everything, and I would do anything to gain your trust back.”
Her words should soothe the feeling of lead in my stomach, but it only makes it heavier. The thought that this could be a reality… I realize in this moment just how much I hate it. How much I don’t want this.
I just don’t know if my heart is willing to let her in again, not after everything.
