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Thirteen
The scaldinghot water from the showerhead pelts down on my skin, and it feels sinful, so much that my entire body feels relaxed and pliant. I needed this shower and a second to breathe more than I realized, even though I’m anxious to be away from Olive for even a second.
After the initial visit from Grams, Ty and Kyle, I briefly explained what was happening and asked for space. As baffled as they were that I was allowing Briggs to be here, to be around Olive, they still respected my wishes. I haven’t explained exactly what happened yet because the past two days have been a whirlwind. I’m not even sure, myself, if I fully understand what’s happening, but one thing I do know is that Briggs didn’t know about Olive.
He was played, just as much as I was, only this was a betrayal much, much worse. Not only was he in the dark about what was happening, but he missed seeing Olive grow inside of me, and the things about my pregnancy that I can’t give back to him.
Am I angry? Yes. I’m fucking livid. I hate that we’ve both been robbed of time we can’t ever get back, and that my entire pregnancy, since the moment I read his letter, my anger has been misplaced. I truly had no idea, and now, we’re both stuck in limbo about what’s going to happen next.
I asked myself if I would be able to live with myself if I denied him of something else? Of Olive’s birth? Of seeing her brought into the world. Would everything we have been through in the short time we’ve known each other, whether it was good or bad, prevent him from being a father?
And the only answer I could find was no. I wasn’t going to rob him of anything else, and if in the end, he decided he didn’t want to be a part of Olive’s life then it was a decision he could make, face to face, after seeing his daughter.
Then, I saw the look on his face the moment he laid eyes on our baby, wailing at the top of her lungs, angry and red, and all I could see were the tears that filled his eyes. The emotion that was written on his features. Once he held her for the first time, I knew right then, that Briggs Wilson was going to be the best dad in the world, and I was going to let him.
I moan as my fingers sink into my hair, massaging the shampoo into my scalp, allowing myself the briefest of moments to breathe. In my head, I replay my conversation with Briggs, where he said that my body did remarkable things.
It did, and now if anything, I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Once the soap runs free, I glance down at my stomach that’s still protruding slightly from birth, and the stretch marks that mar it. Angry, jagged lines that snake up my sides, abdomen and upper thighs. A small, selfish part of me is glad that Briggs never saw me pregnant, and that we aren’t together in that way, because even though my body carried and protected my baby, I’m still self-conscious of what’s been left behind.
Not that I’m thinking of being with Briggs in any type of way, of course not. I groan out loud and look to the ceiling then squeeze my eyes tightly shut.
No, the last thing I should ever do is get involved with my baby daddy. That’s the worst idea that there is, and when I suggest to him that co-parenting is the best route for us, I have no intention of ever crossing that line.
No matter how handsome he is, or how amazing his biceps look when they flex around the tight sleeve of his t-shirt. Or the way that the dimple in his cheek pops when he smi-
“Maddison?”
Briggs' voice on the other side of the door causes me to jump.
“Yes?”
“Just wanted to check on you and make sure you’re okay. I think our girl is getting hungry, she’s kind of sucking on her fist and I don’t uh... have the right parts to feed her.”
I laugh quietly. Of course you don’t, you silly man.
“Be out in just a sec,” I say.
Not letting my mind wander back to Briggs, I quickly run conditioner through my hair and wash my body, then slowly step out of the shower. I’m not in pain as much as I was at the hospital, but my body most definitely needs time to bounce back to what it was before.
I quickly dress in an old t-shirt and sleep shorts, and drag a brush through my hair, getting out any tangles, then brush my teeth and open the door. Briggs must not hear the door open because he continues to talk to Olive in a hushed whisper.
“I hope your mama lets me stay around, little girl. I want to, so badly. Yeah, I know, I have no clue what the hell I’m doing, Wait, I shouldn’t say hell, sorry. But… I want to try. I’ll probably mess up, a lot. Definitely have no clue how to change a diaper or make a bottle or anything, but I love you. That matters right? I love you so much already.”
My heart picks up speed as tears well in my eyes. The last thing I expected was the six-foot-three professional hockey player, baby daddy to be so… soft, and kind, and gentle. Like Olive will break in his hands anytime he picks her up. Olive’s tiny hand is wrapped around Briggs’ finger as he talks to her, and the entire thing has hot tears wetting my cheeks and me sniffling.
Sensing my presence, he looks up, alarm written on his face.
“Sorry I didn’t hear you come out. Just having a little talk with Olive.”
I nod, offering a watery smile. Obviously my hormones are haywire since I’m crying over something so obviously small. It doesn’t feel small, though. It feels so much bigger. A moment I’ll remember, even if things don’t work out with Briggs.
“No, it’s okay. I’m going to feed her really quick, then put her down in the bassinet. Do you want to hang out for a bit, give us the chance to talk once I’m finished?” I chew my lip nervously. Aside from the first night, I’ve never been alone with Briggs. Truthfully, there’s so much that we don’t know about each other. Seeing him here, in my tiny, threadbare apartment, makes me suddenly feel smaller, and wish it was in a better part of town, or just looked nicer.
“I’d love to, if that’s okay. I can help with whatever you need, Maddison, I mean it.”
“Thank you. For being here, and for being so...nice.”
He laughs quietly as he transfers Olive back into my arms. “The media paints their own picture of me, but I’d like to think I’m a good guy.”
