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24
My phone buzzed with a text, and my heart skipped a beat when I looked at the notification.
Car Park Wanker:Your lecture finishes at 12 right? Want to get lunch with me?
“Holmes! That better not be a phone in your hand!”
Everyone turned to look at me, and I scowled at my lecturer. He shot me a warning look, and I slumped down in my seat, sliding my phone onto my thigh. I ignored Ander’s smirk as I tapped out a quick reply, shielding my screen from view.
Me:OK. Meet outside the library
* * *
Noah and I grabbed sandwiches from Pret and ate them as we walked, falling into easy conversation. Or it was easy until he spoke the words that I’d been dreading.
“Liam? I think I…we…what’s happening here?” He gestured between us as we turned onto a quiet side street close to the campus.
This boy was giving me all kinds of confusing feelings that I’d never had before. I knew what he was asking me, because it was the same question I’d been asking myself, and it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have without a drink inside me. “Let’s get a drink, and we can talk.”
“Okay.” He glanced around us, then indicated his head to the right. “The George?”
“Yeah, okay.”
When we were seated in a corner of the pub’s cobbled courtyard area at a small table, pints of cold beer in front of us, I sucked in a breath, attempting to gather my thoughts.Fuck this. Draining almost half my pint in one go, I raised my gaze to Noah’s. His expression was unreadable.
“What do you mean by ‘what’s happening here?’” I said finally when the silence stretched into uncomfortable territory.
His gaze lowered, and he picked up the beer mat from the table, flipping it between his fingers. “This. Us. Is this…do you want it to be a thing? Is it just you experimenting, and I’m a convenient option?”
“Uh…” Stalling for time, I drained more of my pint. “I’m…confused.”
He blew out a heavy breath, rubbing his hand over his face. “Okay. Listen, I don’t wanna push you for answers, and I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to know where I—where we stand. I guess…I’m confused here too.”
I scrubbed my hand across my face. “Yeah, okay. I get that. Look, let me order another pint first.” Bringing up the menu on the pub’s app on my phone, I placed another order. Fuck, at this rate, I was going to end up drunk in the middle of the afternoon. Noah continued playing with his beer mat, his gaze sliding to mine every so often, his eyes wide and apprehensive, and I knew I couldn’t stall any longer. “You’re not a convenient option. Don’t ever think that. I…I like you. I think you’re, you know. Hot. But—” I swallowed hard, knowing that he wasn’t going to take this well. “I don’t want…I don’t think we should be a thing. I’m not ready for that, and I can’t make you any promises about if or when I will be, because I don’t know. Honestly, Noah, my head’s a fucking mess.”
His mouth turned down, and his eyes flashed with something that looked a lot like hurt before he quickly masked his expression.
One of the bar staff came out with my second pint. I drained the rest of my first one and immediately started on the second. Noah’s pint was mostly untouched, and he sat there, bending the beer mat, his movements jerky.
“Okay. I understand.” His voice came out quiet. “I know it’s a lot to deal with.”
“Can we just…keep it casual? Carry on like we have been and see what happens?” I knew it wasn’t fair of me to ask, but I really didn’t want to stop doing what we’d been doing.
There was a long, long silence, during which he finally downed his pint, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off the long line of his throat as he tipped his head back and swallowed. How did he make one simple action look so fucking erotic?
“You’re…I’m…I don’t know. How casual are we talking?” he asked cautiously. “Like, friends with benefits, or what?”
“Yeah, friends with benefits, I guess.” How could I know what I wanted? Like I’d just said to him, I couldn’t make any promises. Until he’d come along, I’d only ever been interested in girls. There was no way I wanted to hurt him, so it was safest to be friends with benefits while I worked out everything else in my head. If it turned out that this was an experimental phase, we wouldn’t be bringing anything messy and complicated like feelings into it.
Exhaling a harsh breath, I forced out my final thoughts. “Whatever happens, I want…I need to keep what we’re doing quiet from everyone. I don’t want there to be any confusion, and I don’t want either of us to be answering questions we’re not ready for. I’m sorry. I wish I—” Cutting myself off, I shook my head. “I really don’t want to hurt you, Noah, and I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep.”
He bit down on his lip, his brow creasing. “Liam. Okay, look. I—I’m not sure I can do this. It’s not you, it’s just… You’re going to have to give me some time to think about it.”
“Yeah, ’course.” Fuck. This was such a difficult conversation. Being honest sucked, when I was pretty sure that he wanted more from me than I was prepared to give, and I knew that what I’d just told him wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry I can’t give you an answer yet.” The words were mumbled into his pint as his shoulders slumped, and I couldn’t stand it. Pushing back my chair, I got up and rounded the table. Grabbing his arm, I tugged him to his feet, then pulled him into my arms, speaking low and fierce in his ear.
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry.I’mthe one who’s sorry. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. Fuckingnothing, okay?”
Before he could respond, I released him, suddenly conscious that although we were in a quiet corner of the courtyard, there were other people around, and we weren’t that far from campus, so there could potentially be people we knew here.
I told myself that I was protecting him from any awkward questions that might come up if anyone saw us, but the sad truth was, I was protecting myself.
