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“Okay, so fix it!”
“Fix what?” I ask, annoyed.
“Whatever the hell is messed up between you two. She’s got enough shit on her plate with Pierce. She doesn’t need to be fighting with you too.”
My fist clenches around the handle of the pot.
Of course she thinks I’m the problem.
“I don’t know what you want me to do,” I say through clenched teeth. “She’s not going to listen to me.”
“Yes, she will! God, Tristan, are you really that clueless? She’s been in love with you our entire lives!”
My chest caves in. The pot suddenly weighs a thousand pounds in my fist.
“You can’t keep playing with her heart,” she continues. “It was mean in high school but it’s downright cruel now.”
I don’t know what to say as I stare at the counter. My stomach rolls with each breath, like it’s the oxygen itself that’s poisoning me. I want to argue, but what defense is there? It’s too complicated to explain, and I’m too fucking tired to sort through the words that filter in. I just want to disappear and find the abyss again. I’m good at being nothing and going nowhere.
“I’m not playing with her,” I say finally, pouring the beans in the coffeemaker.
“I saw the condom in the trash. Don’t lie to me. How could you have sex with her after everything? How could you use her like that?!”
I shake my head, having no words. Years of mistakes press in at once, crushing me. Guilt, shame, it’s all there as I study the dark stream dripping into the coffeepot.
Because you’re weak.
Selfish.
A monster.
There’s a reason no one wanted you back.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “It won’t happen again.”
She hesitates, and I sense her initial response fade away.
“Tristan,” she says gently, approaching.
I clench my jaw when she places her hand on my arm. “I know how hard things have been. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through trying to adjust and live with it all. I wish I could take it away from you, you know that. I wish we could go back and do things the right way, but we can’t, and I’m only saying this stuff because I care about you both so much. I get why you two hooked up, but nothing good will come of it. You’re both going to get hurt. I know you know that.”
I close my eyes, trying to breathe through the ache.
“You can’t use her to heal your wounds, Tristan.”
“I know,” I force out in a hoarse voice.
“Do you? You destroyed her heart in high school. You get that, right? How badly you hurt her? She would have done anything for you.”
I can’t respond as the darkness spreads around me again.You hurt her?I wrecked myself. I’d say rejecting her that day was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it’s not even close. Waking up each morning. Braving the demons at night. Dragging myself through every day when it feels like the entire universe is trying to drag me back into hell. That’s where the pain dwells. What’s denying yourself one good thing when your entire life is a monument to the bad?
I could tell Kim the truth about what really happened that night at the football game but what’s the point? It changes nothing. I’d still be the fuckup that breaks everything I touch, including her best friend.
“I know,” I breathe out. “I’m sorry.”
Her expression goes soft, and I force my gaze back to the counter. “It’s not me you need to apologize to,” she says, squeezing my arm. “Look, I’m the last person who has a right to be saying this stuff, I get that, but that’s exactly why I’m going to do everything I can to help you get your life back. Part of that means tough love when it’s necessary. I know you’re not trying to hurt her, just… take a second to think about the consequences of your actions, okay? She’s probably still in love with you. Sex will mean way more to her than to you. Think about what’s best for her, not yourself for once.”
My jaw tightens as I absorb the blow. My thoughts are too jumbled to continue this conversation and my emotions are a complete mess. I could tell her the truth, but I have no idea what that is anymore.
