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He nodded and took a deep breath. The words wanted to tumble out of his mouth and so he let them, because he knew it’s what she needed.
“I thought of you all the time. But Ididn'twonder how you were, I didn't wonder if you were sad or scared. I felt betrayed, so when I thought of you over those first few days, it was mostly in anger. I drank, I smashed things, I snapped at Richard, Charles, Georgie… And after that? I began to feel sorry for myself. I was still angry, but mostly at myself for falling for you, for being stupid enough to believe that you could be any different from anyone else. I was mad at myself for loving you, because I didn't want to. And after that, when thoughts of you would break through, thoughts of what you were doing, memories of us being together...I would force them away.”
He stopped. She hadn’t moved since he’d begun speaking, and her eyes stayed focused on the pond.
“Are you sure this is what you want to hear?” he asked quietly.
She nodded.
He swallowed thickly. “When the anger and self-pity ended, I felt empty. Alone. I had this massive–this massiveholeinside of me, and it was because I missed you. I replayed everything in my mind over and over again, and I realized I’d been so wrong… And I knew then that I’d fucked up. And after that? I was afraid all over again. Afraid I’d damaged you beyond repair, that I’d chased you away for good. Afraid I’d never have the chance to explain and you’d never let me close enough to try and fix it, to fixmyself, and make it up to you. That's why I showed up on your deck, and that's why I went to South Carolina. I was desperate to talk to you, to have some type of communication with you. I needed to see you, because I was convinced that if we saw each other, I could make you listen.” He paused. “Going to South Carolina was wrong. It was selfish. I should have left you alone.”
He paused and shook his head, grateful his sunglasses hid the tears that had welled up. “I was afraid I’d be another Jason in your life, another man who left you. Someone who took the light out of your eyes and broke your heart. I’d vowed to you that I would never be that person, yet it was exactly who I’d become, and I hated myself for it.”
She still refused to look at him, and when he reached for her hand, she pulled it away.
“Elizabeth, please.”
“You weren't just another Jason,” she said calmly. “What you did to me was so much worse, because I love you so much more than I ever loved him, even though I was with him for much longer. The intensity of my feelings for you can't be compared to what I felt for him.That'swhy I’m scared now. You have the power to damage me, to hurt me beyond repair. I'm giving you that power, I'm allowing you to have it again, and it scares me to death.”
His heart gave a peculiar thump when her words sank in, and he felt a sliver of hope. “But Lizzy…don’t you know you have the same power over me? I know you’re afraid, but you don’t have to be. Not of me.”
“But what if it all falls apart again?”
“It won't.”
“How can you say that? You don’t know that for certain.”
“I can say it because Idoknow it. I won't let it happen.”
She shook her head. “It amazes me... You seem so sure of us, but when you think about it, we’ve only known each other for fourteen weeks. We've barely scratched the surface, and look at everything that's happened, everything we've been through. I can’t help but wonder if putting myself, and you, through this pain and heartache is worth it.”
“Of course it’s worth it. How can you question that?” he asked desperately. “I know how I feel, and it's not based on some imaginary relationship timeline. Who cares if it’s been fourteen weeks, fourteen years, or fourteen hours?”
“Icare. Real intimacy,realtrust, takes time. I opened myself up and let myself be vulnerable to you. I shouldn't have trusted you so quickly. That was my mistake.”
His stomach sank. “Is that how you really feel? Do you regret us?”
“Ugh, there’s that damn word again,” she said, and sighed. “No, I don't regret us. I'm just scared. And disappointed in myself for making the same mistake twice.”
“Youdidn'tmake the same mistake twice. In fact, you didn't makeanymistakes. What Jason did, what I did...those were our mistakes, not yours. Jason didn't want to fix his, not when it mattered. I amnotJason.”
He paused for a moment, thinking carefully about what he wanted to say.
“I had a conversation with Georgie after I saw you at your house, when I told you everything that had been going on, and I told her I was a rotten person. And it took a little while, but I eventually realized I’m not, and that’s because of you. You wouldn't have fallen in love with me if I were a rotten person. What I am is a decent person who did a rotten thing, a reprehensible thing, hurting the person I care about most. You had faith in me, you gave me your trust, something I value so much and that was so hard-won, and I just…tossed it aside. And my first instinct was to ask whatyouwanted me to do to fix it, whatyouneeded to hear from me to make things better again. But that’s not fair to you. It’s not up to you to come up with a list of things I need to do. It’s up tometo figure that out, it’s up tometo put in the work and become a better man, because all of your heartbreak, anger, and sadness…it’s my fault.”
He took a deep breath. “The thing is,it will probably happen again. Not in that way—I won'teverwalk away from you again. But I'm human, and at some point, I'll do something that will make you angry or hurt you or disappoint you. I'm not perfect. But it doesn't mean I don't love you or that you can't trust me. And you know what? You'll do something that will hurt me or disappoint me too. That's life. It's part of being anus. It's part of growing together and learning together. I don't want to be anuswith anyone but you. I want to grow with you and learn withyou.”
She pulled off her sunglasses and swiped at her tears, and he couldn’t stop himself from lightly cradling her cheek, even as his own tears spilled over.
“Everything I just told you, everything I'm afraid of... Do you know what's worse?” she asked. “Do you know what frightens me even more than opening myself up to you again?”
He shook his head.
“Losing you.Nottaking that chance, not having you in my life, not seeing you…notlovingyou. Always wondering what could have been, always blaming myself for playing it safe and being a coward.” She shook her head. “I don't want to live my life that way.”
His heart stuttered. “What–what are you saying?”
“I want to grow with you and learn with you too. I want to try... I want to give us another chance.”
